All posts in Sex

If a SuicideGirl liked my jawline…

…you fucking bet I’d go home with her.

Let me just say immediately that the [url=http://www.tv.com/csi-ny/oedipus-hex/episode/850129/summary.html?tag=episodes;title;1&om_act=convert&om_clk=episodessh]CSI: New York episode of recent[/url] seemed more like a giant advertisement for the [url=http://suicidegirls.com/]SuicideGirls.com[/url] website than about a CSI team from New York who solve crimes through forensic investigations.

Not that I have a problem with that.

More power to the SuicideGirls as I’d have no problem ever endorsing them. It’s good photography, gorgeous women, and well… yeah… you just have to look at them, don’t you…

But come on… the writers of that show could’ve at the very least let the cop go home with the SuicideGirl.
It’s not like we would have thought any less of them. That’d be hard. The stories that CSI: New York has aren’t exactly anywhere as compelling as Las Vegas’ ones, nor is NY’s cast. Both are better than CSI: Miami, but that wouldn’t be hard.

All of this aside, I have a question: are there any SuicideGirls in Australia that want to go out with me?

This isn’t desperation, I just want to see what the fuss is about.
I happen to like tattoos (I won’t get one) and piercings (of which I have none) and funky hair colours & styles (I’ve got none of either since my hair is more like ass-hair than head-hair once I started going bald).

So, if you’re a SuicideGirl and you’d like to meet an ass-hair-freak… well… holla… or something.

Maybe I just really need to go out more.

Well just call me Toshi!

It’s [url=http://youtube.com/watch?v=Kyf_vqg-46U]videos like this[/url] that need to be distributed to Family First groups & the Christian Coalition.

In fact, send it to schools. Make versions for schools in various countries… Russia, Korea, Italy… fuck… anywhere. And let’s make an English version teaching us how to say similar phrases when we’re in different countries.

It’s shit like that that has to help geeks like me find more ways to get laid.

I use the word “more” in place of the word “any” or the article “a”.
In our cases, it’d just be beneficial to our mental health.

For instance, if I were overseas and I tried the language out and something came out like “I give good head,” it’s possible that I might just be able to show the girl that, praying that of course it was a girl (and one my age-ish).

See, this is what sex education should be.

Sex education should teach someone how to get laid, not what the specifics of actually having sex are.
I mean fuck. Exactly. Fuck. How hard is it to figure out?

Between the Internet, softcore and hardcore porn, and natural human instincts (between men wanting to shove their Meccano sets into anything that has a hole without something occupying that space and women getting an aptitude for lying and smoking at the same time), it’s not ridiculously hard to figure out how to have sex with a person.

Shit, if you’re at the point where you’re making out with someone, your hand is grabbing their ass, undoing their belts and their jeans and gradually getting all their clothes off, I’d venture a guess and say that while you may very well suck at having sex (and suck at giving head), you probably have an idea of what you’re supposed to do.

And if you don’t, there’s probably a track on the latest Panic At The Disco album to help you out.

All night long

I just got a piece of spam that had the subject “Can’t stand sex all night long?”

My immediate thought was ‘Fuck… I wish.’

Seriously, if i ever complain about all-night-long sex, it’s probably time to take me out to the fields to shoot me.

And I don’t mean shooting a cock all over me. That’s just pointless. If I’m already over an all-nighter of sex by that point, then shooting either or both a cock and a cunt at or on or over or whatever me isn’t going to make a lick of a difference.

And neither will licking it.

Seriously. I don’t even know why I’m still up.

I’ve got piss all material to work with at 3.37 am and I should probably head to bed.

I’d love to answer back the person who wrote the message “Can’t stand sex all night long?” and complain to them that it’s not so much that I can’t stand sex all night long, but rather that I can’t get sex all night long. If they could point me in a direction that didn’t involve the changing hands of a monetary value, that’d be appreciated.

Who knows. Spam might be good for something.

SWM Seeks FTIDALG

Single White Male Seeks Female That Isn’t Dead And Likes Geeks

Good luck to me and may I have better luck for the near future for my quest.

Don’t worry. You read that right. It doesn’t make any sense, and I’m not entirely sure whether I’m capable of making sense at 2:22 in the morning.

A Friday morning, for that matter.

How long will it be before the Saint of monetary values, St. George, sends me a message by way of the great wireless tin can telling me how little of that monetary amount I have left in my account.

That might be one reason as to why I can’t get the womens: no money.

That doesn’t matter to this chick.

She’s happy to share her room in Japan with any white guys under the age of 35 provided she can have sex with them. Well, yeah… sure… I mean, sex is a very depressing thing and surely I should leave parts of myself at the lobby in case an ethereal nun floats on by and wants to beat me with a bible… but you know, what the fuck! In fact… let’s just get rid of the “what the” altogether, Keiko! Let’s just fuck!

Her fascination with people’s kidneys and waking up in a bath-tub without one concerns me slightly.

I mean sure, if I were to sleep with a hot Asian lady and get room & board included in the price, I’d expect to have to pay for something… but a kidney is worth far more than 25 bucks (that’s 2,245 yen for you, Keiko) so in my mind… I’m getting ripped off.

I mean hell, for a kidney, I’d want to be getting my money’s worth. A blowjob and fucking for the price of a kidney should at the very least come with a video of the event and a shirt to let people know[/url] that you did the deed and all you got was this lousy fucking t-shirt (and one less kidney).

Seriously, short of this whole thing being one big joke, where are the girls in Australia that advertise like this?

You don’t see advertisements in the classified section of the Sydney Morning Herald saying “20 yr old law student seeks roommate she can fuck the brains out of” do you? I mean, I’d have no chance with them, mind you.

Oh no, it’s not that I doubt myself in that way.
With an ad like that, I doubt I’d be able to get through over the phone… the lines would be packed and I’d have to see her in person, and if I tracked her down, I’d be considered a stalker, and shit… I’m just too lazy for shit like that.

Plus, being a stalker to a law student wouldn’t be all that fun.
If she’s a lawyer who gets her rocks off putting crims like yourself away, you’d only get to hear about her orgasm ten minutes later after you’re sentenced to prison sitting in lock-up waiting for a decent meal.

Then you could try to put a similar ad out based on conjugal visits.