All posts in Sex

Love Muffins

One thing I've noticed over the past year is phrasing and the way people say words.

For instance, "fuck" can be said in lots of different ways.

Consider in this instance, we're talking about the act of having sex. Here, you can say any of the following:

  • "I want to fuck you"
  • "I'd like to have sex with you"
  • "Want to go in the corner and shag?"
  • "I gotsta get laid tonight!"
  • "Bend over bitch; we're doing the nasty."
  • "Anal or missionary?"
  • "It's time for the funky cold medina."
  • "Would it be okay if we had sexual intercourse now?"

In fact, with the exception of the last one, every single one of those is probably a lot nicer than the phrase I'm having problem with because to be honest…

I don't think there's any nice way to say I want to eat your pussy.


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Ron Jeremy’s Large Hardon Collider

This week, CERN will be activating their Large Hadron Collider, a device that will likely show us how our universe was created and piss off Christians & Creationists at the same time.

That’s brilliant. I love any device that can teach us something and piss off religious right wing idiots. That’s fucking brilliant.

It also comes with the added bonus of having a slight possibility that turning it on – which happens on Wednesday – might destroy us all and turn the Earth into a giant puddle of goo.

Goo! Goo I tell you!

That said, in an interview I had with Professor Tony Doyle last year, one of the scientists working at CERN (we spoke about a different matter), you’ve got a greater chance of getting sucked into a black hole while shaving than you have in being turned into a gelatinous slime ball as a result of the switch being flicked.

Not like you’d be any the wiser, though.

Still, people have been complaining, sending death threats, and generally acting like idiots all in an effort to stop CERN from throwing that big shiny particle accelerator switch that might end their lives.

It’s a monumental occasion and the idiots will be ignored but I feel compelled to point out that one minor miscalculation and it’s all over.

One minor mistake and CERN’s Large Hadron Collider becomes

Ron Jeremy’s Large Hardon Collider

Click on the image to see Ron Jeremy surrounded by a sexy Large Hardon Collider!

Yes, that’s right. One minor mistake by moving a letter “r” to left one place and the giant tube belonging to science becomes the property of one man whose member goes against any and every understanding for what is seen as physical science.

Ron Jeremy’s Large Hardon Collider… who wants to see it?

Ssshhh… no need to raise your hands. I know you all want to see it. Geeze…

Midday Train Erotica

Here's some Midday Erotica for you… you know, because I can write random sentences that occasionally look coherent enough to be legible crap on a screen. 

I'm calling this series "Train Erotica" and whether it becomes a series or not remains to be seen.

I guess it's entirely dependent on how horny I am on morning trains. I'm horny a lot of time so I guess this could go for a while.



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The naked slit

Paul looked at the slit with delight. He licked his lips and thought about the prospect of inserting something inside.

She was amazing. Naked with just the right amount of shine on her. He knew what he'd do when he approached her.

It would be simple. He'd put it in. He'd put it in hard. Then he'd push down on it and let her feel his white piece. The warmth would flow all around them and they'd both be intertwined, connected, in mind and in goal.

It would be simple. His piece in her slit.

It would be glorious.

He looked around at his furnishings. The bare kitchen with the checkered floor. The flickering fluorescent light over head. The hum of the fridge reverberating the room all around them.

He looked at her and he looked at her naked slit, licking his lips once again.

The crevice, that part, the rift where everything happened. 

It was all he could do to contain himself from thrusting himself forward.

'Fuck it,' he thought. 'If I'm going to enjoy myself, I might as well do this right.'

He approached the tasty slit, an opening sitting on the kitchen counter waiting to be filled. He looked at it and could smell what was inside. Paul imagined all who had come before, all who had been. 

What pieces had gone in and out of this aperture? White? Brown? Black? Were they more experienced, were they better off from when they went in?

With that last thought, Paul undid the bag surrounding his loaf of bread and pulled a slice out. Paul licked his lips as he thrust the slice of white bread into the toaster pulling hard on the handle to warm it up. As the heater glowed red, Paul almost let out a sigh of relief as he realised it was really going to happen: he'd finally get to eat something tonight!

Where do you find girls?: A round up of options for men

Now that my brain has well and truly kicked itself into practical and horny gear – a state of mind I'd have hoped for years ago and is making me a lot happier – I only have one question:

Where do you find girls?

Being a guy doesn't come with a manual or an FAQ, something of which would come in really handy. There aren't any tip guides or counselors telling you which place to go to or what sites to visit if you'd like to moisten your rocket in thick screaming pleasure.

Short of the obvious answer – porn – there isn't a lot for a guy to do.

Oh sure, I could spend my time in a club painfully working up the courage to speak to the right girl, buying them drinks, and then having it end oh so terribly when she decides to go home with the guy who sat across from you the entire time making eyes for her and didn't have to pitch in a single cocktail.

Yes, that sort of shit happens.

So I just really want to know where I find girls. Continue Reading