Someone I once went to school with in Dallas sent a bulletin around that can only be recognised as one of those stupid chain letters.
You know the things… if you don’t repost it in however long minutes, you’ll lose the girl or guy of your dreams and be forced to endure Yanni cd’s for the rest of your life.
Well, the chain letter was entitled “WHAT M0ST GUYS W0NT D0” and basically had a list of things that apparently most guys won’t do spelled out in CAPS with the occasional odd “o” replaced by a zero (0).
0h yeah. We’re mature.
[b]Anyway[/b], this was my response:
In this case, “HER” could only be one of my hands… probably my left hand… but let’s see how much I love my left hand.
*GIVE HER ONE OF YOUR T-SHIRTS TO SLEEP IN.
My left hand doesn’t wear t-shirts. Occasionally it gets jealous of the other hands in the world that have bling on them, but most of the time it’s content in making the right hand jealous because it gets to wear a watch.
*LEAVE HER CUTE TEXT MESSAGES.
I write cute text messages with my left hand and my right hand. To who? People cuter than myself.
*KISS HER IN FR0NT 0F Y0UR FRIENDS.
I imagine that if I kissed my hand in front of my friends, I’d be more of a wanker than anyone else I’d previously met.
Especially if I tongue kissed my hand. That would just be wrong.
Especially if I’d just been cleaning a toilet a few minutes prior.
*TRUST HER 0VER EVERY0NE ELSE.
I always trust my hands, except when I need to trust my feet. I’ve learned to never trust my dick, mostly because it always feels the need to be in small holes that are warm and cozy, and quite often, it’s been known to mistake my hand for one of those cozy holes.
*TELL HER SHE L00KS BEAUTIFUL.
I would, but I’d be lying. My hand is ugly. Useful, but ugly.
*L00K HER IN THE EYE WHEN Y0U TALK T0 HER.
My hand has no eyes. It’s curious. You might ask why I choose to go out and have sex with such an amputee freak of nature that my hand is… I mean, it had five arms protruding form its torso, but no eyes or ears or a mouth or nose to speak of.
You might ask, but then you’d be ignoring the reason why I go out with such a freak of a hand: no girl will go out with me so I have to deal the err… hand… I’m given.
*LET HER MESS WITH Y0UR HAIR.
Oh, my hand does this all the time. The little hair I have left, my hand is always running through it. Probably taking the remainder of my hair with it as it goes.
*MESS WITH HER HAIR.
My hand has little hair follicles on the back of its torso and digits. Surprisingly, when I try pulling on the hairs, I feel pain.
I imagine that’s what marriage is like.
*JUST WALK AR0UND WITH HER.
I walk around with my hand so much that I can’t seem to get rid of her. It’s there… everywhere.
*F0RGIVE HER F0R HER MISTAKES.
Her mistakes seem to be my mistakes, mostly because I always feel like she is attached to me and everything she’s done wrong she’s done wrong because of me.
I imagine that’s what divorce is like.
*L00K AT HER LIKES SHE’S THE 0NLY GIRL Y0U SEE.
I can’t do that. Not to my hand. I see so many girls that cheating on my hand is the first thing I think of when I pretty much see another girl. That and waffles.
*TICKLE HER EVEN WHEN SHE SAYS ST0P.
My hand just slaps me when I tickle it. It tells me that I’m sexually harassing it and if I don’t stop, she’s going to convince my right hand that they should act paralysed and then I’ll never be able to type again.
*H0LD HER HAND EVEN WHEN Y0U ARE AROUND Y0UR FRIENDS.
This one is a bit confusing. She is a hand, which makes holding her hand a bit odd. I know that when we have sex (it’s hardly making love, is it?), I’m holding her… or rather, another part of me is holding her, so to speak.
I imagine that’s what sex is supposed to be like.
*WHEN SHE STARTS SWEARING AT Y0U TELL HER Y0U L0VE HER.
My hand has the benefit of not speaking.
When something doesn’t speak, they can’t swear at you.
They can, however, throw things at you.
I imagine that’s what the last Madonna film was like.
*LET HER FALL ASLEEP IN Y0UR ARMS.
Well, she’s attached to an arm, so no matter what… she’s always going to fall asleep in close proximity to one of my arms.
*GET HER MAD, THEN KISS HER.
I already don’t plan on kissing my hand, and I’m not entirely sure how I’m supposed to go about making her mad.
Maybe if I took away her watch, she’d get mad.
She’d probably lose all track of time and go numb, though.
*TEASE HER & LET HER TEASE Y0U BACK.
Yes, she does this already. Teases me in so many ways, promises to get me off… doesn’t… goes back to typing or playing Nintendo…
I have no doubt that marriage is definitely twanged with something like this.
*STAY UP WITH HER ALL NIGHT WHEN SHES SICK.
She’s not very sick all that often, though.
But I’ll tell you what… she’ll always keep me up. Except when I’m down.
But when I’m up, and I can be up, she’ll be up trying to pull me down.
*WATCH HER FAV0RITE M0VIE WITH HER
I’ve never asked her what her favourite movie is. It’s probably something like “Edward Scissorhands”… oh yes, I can just see her ditching me to run off with Johnny Depp. Who wouldn’t.
*KISS HER F0REHEAD.
Her forehead is probably her backside.
That might be construed as sexual harassment in some places, but it would definitely look like I’m a stupid vane wanker to everyone else.
*GIVE HER THE W0RLD.
If I gave her the world, I’d be no better than another dictator. No, better to give her a rose or a puppy.
*WRITE HER LETTERS.
Without my left hand, I couldn’t write letters. I need her to write letters. She gets to be included in the best part of the writing of the letters… the forming of the letters by writing them on the page.
*LET HER TAKE ALL THE PH0T0S 0F Y0U SHE WANTS.
As a photographer, I’m entirely aware that without my left hand, I wouldn’t be able to take pictures.
But to take pictures of me, she’d have to negotiate and work out a joint effort between my right hand and my arms and a way for them to work together to get the camera a far enough distance to take a decent shot of me. Then she’d have to get my eyes to approve it.
That’s more negotiations than Bush has going for him in Iraq at the moment.
*AND WHEN Y0U FALL IN L0VE WITH HER, TELL HER.
But I don’t love her. I love real girls.
*AND WHEN Y0U D0 TELL HER. L0VE HER LIKE Y0U NEVER L0VED BEF0RE.
I will… when I find someone to love.
For the moment, I have a hand.
It’s not desperation, but it’s all I have.