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The Nutjob of Gauge

Many of you wrote in and asked me what exactly “The Nutjob of Gauge” was.


I lied.

No one wrote in and asked me.

I got a “?” from Pedso (whose blog — which rarely gets updated — is linked in the right-hand column) and even I couldn’t explain it.

But I’m going to try.

Gauge is porn star, which probably suggests that she’s accustomed to getting a lot of cock shoved down her throat. Now, whether or not her throat & gullet have actually stretched themselves to become the width of my fist, I’ll never know (not unless you’re reading this, sweet Gauge, and you feel a trip is worth it to come to the land down under to show me or prove me or… something…).
However, because of her cock-sucking antics, it’s probably safe to say that she’s used to getting [url=]tea-bagged[/url] or at least nibbles on those nuts every once in a while, I while I’m ranting and rambling on and on and not really having a clue what the hell I’m supposed to be on about and probably missing every point that flies over my head, I guess “The Nutjob of Gauge” is probably more a secret desire to have Gauge gobble on my nuts than anything else.

I imagine I would be “The Nutjob of Gauge” if Gauge did in fact choke down these balls.

So I’m probably not “The Nutjob of Gauge”.

In fact, right now I’m probably more “The Tugjob of Self” than anything else.

I am so going to be smited…

Is that even the way to spell “smited”?

I guess it is.

I’m going to be the smited by the one who does the smiting for he is the smiter that will make me smote. Okay. Smited probably isn’t a word.
Firefox 2.0’s in-built spell-checker is going “what the fuck are you on about with this ‘smited’ bullshit?” by way of a wavy red line.

Damn you wavy red line! Damn you to hell! Just let me have my word! The four people who visit this blog will let me have it… why can’t you?!

I won’t even try to argue with the spell-checker. It’s Firefox and powered by Mozilla. It’s probably going to be a lot smarter than I am.
It’s probably more secure… I mean, fuck, when you talk about a person’s insecurities, do you really want to be compared to Firefox? Fuck, you’d want to be compared to Internet Explorer… there are enough holes in that to make Swiss cheese ashamed.

This is the conversation that probably takes place between Swiss cheese and Internet Explorer:

Swiss cheese: ‘Sup.
Internet Explorer: Would Swiss cheese say ‘sup’?
Swiss cheese: What would you have me say?
Internet Explorer: Well, shouldn’t you be saying something… I don’t know… a little more Swiss?
Swiss cheese: Konbanwa.
Internet Explorer: What the hell is that?
Swiss cheese: Swiss.
Internet Explorer: You call that Swiss?
Swiss cheese: I do.
Internet Explorer: I don’t exactly have my Swiss language packs installed yet, but I’d say that’s Japanese or something.
Swiss cheese: But you don’t know, do you?
Internet Explorer: Well, I could always Google it.
Swiss cheese: I thought you were powered by Microsoft technologies…
Internet Explorer: Fine. I’ll Microsoft search it.
Swiss cheese: Well?
Internet Explorer: Gimme a minute, okay. It’s not like I’m Firefox.
Swiss cheese: Well duh, Hüüsli.
Internet Explorer: What was that?
Swiss cheese: What was what?
Internet Explorer: That word. It sounded like it was Swiss.
Swiss cheese: How would you know?
Internet Explorer: I just downloaded and installed my Swiss language packs.
Swiss cheese: Why would you have your Swiss language packs installed and not your Japanese ones?
Internet Explorer: I’m programmed by Microsoft. Don’t expect logic in the gaping hole where you’d normally expect logic. I’m just one of those things. I’m probably a beta. From a Swiss person’s hard drive.
Swiss cheese: From a Swiss person’s hard drive?
Internet Explorer: From a Swiss person’s hard drive. Are you confirming it was Japanese?
Swiss cheese: What was Japanese?
Internet Explorer: That word.
Swiss cheese: Hüüsli?
Internet Explorer: No. That’s tomato.
Swiss cheese: Toilet.
Internet Explorer: Same thing.
Swiss cheese: Depends on the restaurant.
Internet Explorer: Konbanwa!
Swiss cheese: Good evening to you too!
Internet Explorer: *sigh*
Swiss cheese: You okay?
Internet Explorer: Did you ever wonder why someone put a slice of Swiss cheese and someone’s half-used copy of Internet Explorer together?
Swiss cheese: I don’t ask questions, Hüüsli. I just roll with the flow.
Internet Explorer: Because it just seems strange that someone would pair up something that’s full of holes and something that isn’t. I mean, unless you’re making a sandwich that is…
Swiss cheese: You can use Internet Explorer in a sandwich? What’s that like?
Internet Explorer: …
Swiss cheese: Oh. That was a joke. I’m the thing full of holes. Oh right. Ha ha. Very funny. Look in the mirror, smart-ass.
Internet Explorer: Not my fault.
Swiss cheese: Not mine either, Hüüsli.

Hmm… I’m not sure where I was going with that.

Smited… smited… oh right! Smited!

Well, anyway I was talking with a friend last night about names of God, and even though I’m a Distorted Jew with a bit of atheism (I’ll explain later), some of the names of God are actually quite humourous and others would make great band names.

I’ll start backwards (because I’m a backwards-sorta-guy) and select the ones I like:

  • Word: Yo! Word! Sup, word! Actually, this one has me kinda baffled. If the passage is something like “the word of God,” and “word” is another name for “God”, isn’t it a bit ridiculous to say “the God of God,” sort of like people who say “ATM machine” which actually translates to “automatic teller machine machine”…
  • The Vine: I wonder what The Vines would think if they realised they were actually competing with God… No wonder their last album sucked: they were fearing getting smited!
  • Unspeakable Gift: Damn, now doesn’t that sound like a heavy metal band.
  • Sure Foundation: This not only sounds like an alternative band, but a cement product.
  • Stone: I’m not sure if I even want to go to this one. I imagine people getting stoned can say that they’re just trying to find God through pot.
  • Servant of rulers: How can you be a “servant of rulers” if you are the ruler? Okay, maybe I’m interpreting this differently. Maybe Christianity is built upon a secret society of talking [url=]rulers[/url] who command a deity to do their bidding…
    [b]Shepherd and Overseer of souls:[/b] This one just needs a bit of capitalisation and an article “the” to work. [i]And introducing, the newest rock band.. Shepherd and the Overseer of Souls!!![/i]
    [b]The Second Man:[/b] This sounds more like a movie title, honestly. Who is this Second Man? What does he do? Why is he here? Will he order nachos instead of a hot dog?
    [b]The Redeemer:[/b] Ok, this sounds more like a weapon name. In fact, it is a weapon name (Unreal Tournament). Still, it sounds more like a massive gauntlet someone would wave around and threaten people with. Large urinary puddles would be the result.
    [b]Precious Cornerstone:[/b] This one seems to evoke Golum from Lord Of The Rings, but this time he’s dressed like a priest and walking around going “Have you seen my precious? My Precious Cornerstone! You must see him! But you can’t have him! You can’t!”
    [b]The Living Bread:[/b] If you want to create the first Christian punk-rockabilly band, then you’d surely have to compete with [url=]The Living End[/url]… and what better way to do that than to becoming The Living Bread!

There’s a whole bunch of these, and I’ve just picked ones that appeal to me. Still, interesting names.
I’m [url=]getting them from this page[/url], and if you’re interested, they also have the passages the names came from.

Being that I’m not one who actually believes in any of the possibilities of the current recognised understanding of God (I believe the Greeks would have been the closest), it’s still quite interesting to see such a wide range of names used for something… anything…

I’m not actually on God’s level… I mean, hell, I’m writing a blog not a Bible (then again, he didn’t write that either did he?)… but if you can think of any names that I can be known as — and not specifically names that are used in connection with God either — than leave a comment and let’s see if I can strike fear into the hearts of all square people.

The Nutjob of [url=]Gauge[/url].

The Swiss Cheese of Death!!!

Which bank?

I was doing some internet banking yesterday when I saw [url=]this picture.[/url]

Ok. The guy has the right face for internet banking.
[b]”Holy fuck! I’ve got that much left in my account?!”[/b]

The girl is too cheerful. She’s smiling, but secretly she’s thinking…
[b]’Well I’ll be damned… Chris has more money than I realised. If I have sex with him, I’ll be able to buy that new Louis Vuitton bag…'[/b]

The kid just confuses me. I mean seriously… who the fuck lets their kids watch them use internet banking?

Anyway, the kid looks pretty smug. He’s thinking to himself…
[b]’Dad’s loaded. I can go out and fuck a few girls and he’ll probably pay for the abortions just to teach me a lesson. Dumbass.'[/b]


[b]’Now that I know how much cash Dad has, if he doesn’t get me an Xbox 360 for my birthday, I’m claiming sexual abuse and calling someone.'[/b]

Jack Thompson For Dummies

[b]stu?pid[/b]? [i][stoo-pid, styoo-][/i] adj.
1. lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull.
2. characterized by or proceeding from mental dullness; foolish; senseless: a stupid question.
3. tediously dull, esp. due to lack of meaning or sense; inane; pointless: a stupid party.
4. annoying or irritating; troublesome: Turn off that stupid radio.
5. in a state of stupor; stupefied: stupid from fatigue.
6. Informal. a stupid person

[b]red?neck[/b] [i][red-nek][/i] n.
1. an uneducated white farm laborer, esp. from the South.
2. a bigot or reactionary, esp. from the rural working class.
3. Also, red-necked. narrow, prejudiced, or reactionary: a redneck attitude

[b]stu?pid red?neck[/b] [i][stoo-pid, styoo-; red-nek][/i] adj., n.
1. Jack Thompson.

Sorry for the quick English lesson, but I had to give those of you read my blog a quick lesson in what a “stupid redneck” would displays the qualities of, and Jack Thompson is quite possibly that.
In fact, calling Jack Thompson a “stupid redneck” is probably offensive to all rednecks, especially the stupid ones.

Jack Thompson, the man who thinks video games are responsible for people’s violent actions as opposed to the people themselves (perhaps Mr. Thompson should read some anthropology or even some psychology) is at it again.

Already within the past two weeks, he’s tried to have another Rockstar game banned from being release in America.
[url=]Bully[/url], a game which immediately drew controversy before anyone outside of [url=]Rockstar[/url] had played it, has you playing a Bully that, from what I understand, has to endure life’s lessons by beating up other bullies himself. Makes sense to me. It would have been nice if bullies were playing this shit when I went to high school.

Regardless, the judge let it in and Mr. Thompson was left to cry and whinge about the judge while the rest of the gaming community pretty much called Jack a piss-ant and a wanker since the event.

But he’s back. Not one to shy out of a spotlight that he doesn’t deserve, he seems compelled to fling himself back into the line of fire completely missing the logic train.

This time, he’s complaining about the games sexual and relationship exploration segment of the game which allows the character you play, a 15 year old boy, [url=]to kiss a boy[/url]. Sure, you can kiss girls in the game and chances are you probably will be, but you can also kiss a guy.

[url=]Gamespot have an article about this[/url] where there’s a quote by Mr. Thompson I’d like to specifically comment on:

[quote]The Entertainment Software Rating Board surprised some people last month when it issued a T-for-Teen rating for the game. The content descriptors listed for the game on the ESRB’s Web site are crude humor, language, use of alcohol and tobacco, violence, and sexual themes. When asked about the boy-on-boy make-out sessions, the ESRB told GameSpot, “That content was considered in the assignment of the rating.”

Thompson addressed ESRB president Patricia Vance in an e-mail he claimed to have sent to “every major news organization in America and the UK,” as well as a host of lawmakers and industry representatives.

“Dear Ms. Vance,” Thompson wrote, “We just found gay sexual content in Bully, as Jimmy Hopkins makes out with another male student. Good luck with your ‘Teen’ rating now, Patty.” [/quote]

Jack, you’re an idiot. Since when is being gay something to give a higher maturity rating for?

Oh that’s right, you’re an idiot. Sorry, I forgot to check my Christian Coalition card to see how far out you are with what’s accepted as a social standard. Strangely, I find it easier to be friends with gays and lesbians (which I have a fair few of) than stupid redneck idiots like yourself.

First of all, kissing another bloke in a video game isn’t going to make you gay. Second, it’s not the first time a game has had this feature.

The Sims, the world’s best selling game, let two guys get it off. Hell, gay and lesbian relationships were the first things I tried out in The Sims to see if they left the user the choice of what they could do in the game. Yet I didn’t see you complaining about [url=]The Sims[/url] or the [url=]The Sims Online[/url] “T” / “Teen” ratings back when they were released. You complained about The Sims 2, but only to the point where you said it was a “pedophile’s paradise”.

Crikey… the genitalia is pixelated beyond belief! Maybe your genitalia looks like that in real life, tiny in compressed squares… but not the rest of us (well, most of us anyway)!

Perhaps you need to come back off of your high horse and let 15 year old Jimmy in Bully try out your tongue.
It might calm you down, you stupid redneck.

[i]The first two definitions from this blog entry were cited from [url=][/url].[/i]

You’ll love this post!

So Coles are advertising this week that their Coles Cola, Diet Cola, and Lemonade are 99 cents for 2 litres.

Seems fair, right?

Well, I bought a bottle of their Diet Cola with the specific intention of using it to clean some coins that had been gathering evil gunk in the kitchen for years. Right now, in fact, the sheer mutant powers of carbonated-and-caramel-colouring-rich Coles Diet Cola is eating away at the nasty crap that had created a civilisation on about three bucks worth of 5 cent coins.

I’m committing several counts of genocide right now and I don’t have to do a thing!

Anyway, an hour or two later, I opted to try some of this Diet Cola.

It smells kind of like Diet Pepsi… but don’t be misled… [b]this stuff is foul.[/b]
It’d almost be fowl, except that would be an insult to every chicken and turkey and poultry-lover out there, and I’d be best not insulting poultry-fuckers right about now, especially when I ate chicken last night. They might track me down and do shit to my chickens.

Still, this stuff is bad. Terrible seems to kind of a word for this junk, and yet Coles seem avid about selling it.

More so, they seem compelled to brand it in such a way that almost seems inhumane.


Either the brand is called “You’ll love Coles” (followed by the model number, in this case Diet Cola) or the brand is “Coles” with some sort of cruel joke being played as a form of observational commentary.

I’m more likely to suggest that after tasting this stuff — which borders on being as bad if not worse than that United Nations war crimes atrocity that was Pepsi Samba — that the Coles marketing executive in charge decided that instead of telling you how you’ll feel after trying it, decided that it would be better as a brand name. They did this after spitting it out onto the closest blond secretary whose skin melted off from the sheer acid volume that is “You’ll love Coles” Diet Cola.

And then, as if it’s not bad enough to have suggested what you will like, they go on to give you this:


Yup. That says “Awesome taste, no sugar” by some guy named Lachlan who’s apparently a surfer.

Seriously… WHO IN THE HELL IS LACHLAN? And why do I care?

Why is some dickhead name Lachlan going to make me buy Cola? What… you couldn’t get some Australia sports star who hasn’t had a game or match in years to put his or her name on the bottle and say something mundane like “This stuff tastes great!”
I mean hell, you’d be lying there too… what’s the problem?
You may as well say “Awesome taste, no sugar” by Larry, accounting. If you have a Larry that is. Or a Bill. Or a someone, because the use of a random named Lachlan is about as effective as that.

I actually had to go back to Coles today to get some meat and I checked the other Coles branded drinks to see what sort of quotes they had on them. Lachlan was used again on the regular cola where he said something pointless to the drink’s flavour and on another one was another dickhead who if I remember correctly was named Stuart and was a beach cricketer. A beach cricketer?! Fuck off, Coles.

The orange drink was “tangy & energizing”.