I… had a vision of the future.
Yes… not too long ago, I was sitting on the loo passing what will probably be described as the next Rolling Stone when this vision — [b]this vision of the future[/b] — came to me.
As Mick Jagger crawled his way out of my scathing rectum and climbed his filthy ass onto my lap, he looked up at me with those crap-glazed eyes and through those enormous fucking lips said “well, what’s this vision of the future you’re supposed to have then, eh?”
I looked back down into those stench-soaked glistening buds Mick calls eyes and, with my free hand, grabbed some delicate sheets of titanium white toilet paper and stuffed the disgusting little talking turd into before dropping it into the porcelain can, awaiting the water which would take him to the next life, or at least the nearest water treatment facility before he became someone’s drinking water a month or two from now.
And then… I had the vision.
It was in this vision that I saw a world where humans had evolved and cleanliness had taken on a new meaning.
You see, people had grown tired of the waste disposal mechanism that was their sphincter. They were tired of the daily or every-few-days-daily ritual of sitting on their porcelain throne and emptying out whatever had passed through them somewhat recently. It was inconvenient, dirty, irritating, sometimes frustrating, and not what they felt they should be doing, especially in wake of the massive revival of anal sex and all the dangers that were fraught with eating a few bean burritos before having your hole penetrated by your nearest sexually active friend, or at least his or her sexually active prosthetic penis.
So people grew. They began to teach their bodies a new way of disposing of the waste. They tried hypnotism, surgery, osmosis, eating fried chicken on a Sunday evening after the latest 60 Minutes had aired, even plain and simple Darwinian evolution… anything that could help their bowels to change their patterns and shift to a new way of living.
When one day… it had happened.
One man defecated out from his fingers into a nice little cube.
It wasn’t quite a cube in actuality, but short of The Cube Foundation getting irritated at the sight of it, it would do the job.
And it wasn’t before long that other humans would began to defecate through their finger tips. Some days, it would be the thumb. Other days, the forefinger. Others still, the pinky. It was as if evolution had said to them “well if you don’t like your anus and you’re going to be all uptight about which part of your body [i]should[/i] stay tight, I’m just going to have to make it interesting for you.”
And interesting it was. While people were engaging in acts of anal stimulation, some would grips their backsides and defecate all over them, leaving money shots to be redefined while others would be standing in line at the checkout of their local supermarket getting ready to pay when all of a sudden — as they swiped their credit card — there would be a little cube of poo sitting on top of the asterisk key that few people used anyway.
And so it became that people would expel their bowels through their fingers.
Daily activities like cooking and masturbation would never be the same again…