All posts in …and Everything

Master Chief, this can only be good news…

[i]Master Chief sir, news from the front line!
It appears as Universal and Fox have lost interest in you, sir!
Between all the aliens and warthogs with flat tires, they weren’t incredibly happy with the hiring of an unknown director by the name of Neill Blomkamp nor were they impressed with Microsoft being as greedy as them!
Sir, I just want to say that–

[b]BLAM! BLAM! BLAM![/b]

Sorry sir, I won’t raise my hand again when you’re firing at an enemy. I know you’re not much of a talker, Master Chief, what with HQ being all tight-lipped about what to expect in [url=]your third outing[/url] as well as [url=]your command detail[/url], but next time when I raise my arm to salute you, could you not blow it off with your gun. I mean, I know there won’t be a next time as while I stand here speaking in pain with blood gushing out of one shoulder socket, but sir, what I was going to say is that this can only be a good thing.


Sir, you’re right sir! I don’t need either of my legs and will be absolutely fine being a stumpy torso with one arm and a head for the rest of my life. I meant to say before you removed me of my unnecessary parts that if you look at the past history of video game movies with [url=]Super Mario Brothers[/url], [url=]Double Dragon[/url], [url=]the Mortal Kombat films[/url], [url=]Doom[/url], and every single incarnation of a video game movie [url=]that Uwe Boll seems to ruin[/url], you should consider yourself lucky that the audiences around the world won’t have to see a bad translation of your wonderful character, sir!
I’ll just make… err… stump jumps… I guess… back to HQ, sir! Could anyone give me a lift?! Anyone?![/i]

Seriously, smart move Universal & Fox.

Now the rest of the world needs to listen and whoever the hell funds Uwe Boll movies needs to stop killing video game fanatics dreams by letting him make movies.

What I find odd about the [url=]article from Variety[/url] informing about this news tidbit is that no one at Variety seems to know how to stay within one set of name spellings for the directory of the currently-expired production.

[quote]As word of the U and Fox exit spread, speculation centered around the inexperience of “Halo” helmer Neill Blomkamp, a 27-year-old first-time feature director.

“Everybody is supremely confident in Neal,” Kamins said. “Part of what excited Peter and Fran was Neal’s vision. We’re very confident this film will move forward with the creative partners intact, who will take the film to production.” [/quote]

Neill… Neal… Neill… Neal… one of them! Pick one for your article!
[url=]Check IMDB![/url] [url=]Do something Variety![/url]
Do something that isn’t sitting on your backsides pretending you know the movie business if you can’t spell someone’s fucking name!

Actually, with Fox and Universal pulling out, it doesn’t mean that Halo is dead. Far from it as Peter Jackson’s digital effects teams will still end up working on the flick, which probably means that Halo will have more CGI than the Lord Of The Rings series. How you get more CGI than LOTR, I have no idea.

Why not just give Halo to Disney and let Master Chief and Stitch terrorise the fucking world. I mean, what with Master Chief and Stitch, no one would fuck with the human race again. And the aliens might learn from Stitch.

It could be a sort of make-shift exchange program.

Live from Sydney, Australia…

…The greatest pub city on the planet… it’s…

[b]Sarah Luna![/b]
Yay! Cheers! Woooohooooo! Yeeeehawwwwwwww!
[b]*random person throws not so random person’s underwear on stage while the not-so-random person wonders how the hell the random person got the underwear off of them while they were wearing it without noticing*[/b]

Yes, we are Sarah Luna. We being [url=]Michael Stark[/url], [url=]Boris Lerner[/url], and myself, [url=]Leigh D. Stark[/url].

Mike takes the lead vocals and guitar, Boris takes the drums, and I take the bass, and tonight we played an 8 song set at [url=]The Lansdowne[/url]… another one of Sydney’s notorious pubs.

Pubs in Sydney are generally notorious. Notoriety, however, isn’t necessarily a good thing. For instance, Tantra, a club which no longer exists but did at one point exist near Taylor Square on Oxford Street was notorious for being over priced and absolutely shit.

While out with some mates, I found that one of the “Irish” pubs on George St. was to become notorious for having quite possibly some of the dumbest security guards on the planet. Either that or they were just discriminating. Bastards. It’s not my fault that I don’t have breasts or a cunt. Do you really don’t think that I do want one of each? Shit, I wouldn’t need to go outside. I’d just sit in my room, stark naked, playing with each as if it’s some sort of Meccano set.

The Lansdowne is notorious for it’s $5 steak, which is pretty good for the price. Sure, you have to buy a drink for 3 bucks to get the $5 steak, but in the end, paying 8 bucks for a steak that’s cooked better than most over-priced steak-houses is probably worth it.

I, however, missed the kitchen tonight. Instead I went to Oporto’s with [url=]one of my really close friends BJ[/url], who was there to support me and my band with some of her friends… cousins… family… one of them. It’s all probably the same. Who the hell knows. Certainly not me. I can rarely tell the difference between family members and a sheep. New Zealanders are funny that way.

BJ’s not a Kiwi, though. She’s a Philo… Philopeanean… I know I’ve fucked that one up, I just know it, and yet the bringing of 2 am makes me so lazy that I’m just lazy enough to NOT run through a spell checker. So she’s Philo and possibly Philo-pastry. That can be my new term for Philo… oh you know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, so I’m wearing my low-cut jeans tonight, the type that you’d be able to see the long line of crack that adores my regal backside if I wasn’t wearing my [url=]Mr. Men-Mr. Grumpy boxer trunks[/url] with them.

And we had friends that turned up. I’ll name names and I’ll try and remember all those that came so in case they get called up by a court for something, you’ll either have an alibi or a memory as to “yeah, I attended the first REAL Sarah Luna gig!” Hell, maybe it’s a fond memory. Fucked if I know…

Mum, Dad, Brad, BJ, BJ’s crew, Ralph Davis, (I think) Linda Klarfeld, Wendell Teodoro, Sam, Aviva, Sonja, Nick, Aeden, Anna, Anna’s percussionist friend, Rob Prior, John Prior, and whole bunch of people I’ve never heard of and will probably never see again… if I left out your name and you came, or if I didn’t mention your name because I had no idea what it was and no one told me, you can apply the following words just as those people who I did list should:
[b]Thank you for coming. It was great to play for such a great audience and I know that I can’t wait ’till I do it again, as I’m sure the rest of the band feel the same.[/b]

Anyway, we all made some mistakes but all in all, people said that we played pretty well. A few people told us the songs they liked and the sort of things we should do to change ourselves and make our band better. One guy apparently told Mike that he’d like us enough to pay for us. That’s gotta count for something.

BJ’s crew were probably the coolest to me. I still don’t know who they are… BJ probably told me at one point, but with my hopeless memory, I’ll be lucky to remember what I was going to write in place of this line here as a sort of joke to get a laugh. See. I’ve forgotten. I’m that good! At… something… I guess… anyway…

BJ’s crew were probably the coolest to me, with people I can’t remember the names of (if I was ever told) telling me I looked cute while I was playing bass, that they liked our name Sarah Luna (even though apparently it’s a girl’s clothing label… who knew?!), and that my Stitch and Gollum voices made them laugh.

Woohoo! Possibilities? Probably not, but it beats trying to remember lines that make me look like an arrogant dickhead.

By the way, I’ve so far got a few photos from the event. There were two photographers there tonight. [url=]Wendell Teodoro[/url] and [url=]Gary Stark[/url] (yep, Mike’s and my Dad). There could’ve been more, but these were the only two I saw.

Some of Wendell’s shots can be found below.

Photography by Wendell Teodoro, [url=][/url]





Low-cut jeans

One of my clients has given me some low-cut jeans.

These jeans are cut low at the waist… and… while I’m wearing them… I just don’t get it.

I mean why… why would anyone want to have a cut of jeans that specifically aims to show off their crack?

What sort of idiot in marketing or design one day went “Hmm… well, since jeans are all the rage… let’s try something completely unexpected. How about this… a pair of jeans where an inch or two is cut off from the height of the waist line so that no matter what happens, at all points someone can see part of your ass crack when they look at your ass!”

These pants bring new meaning to the word crack addict.

Hi. My name is Leigh and I’m a crack addict… and I’ve never taken an ounce of crack in my life… but by wearing these low-cut jeans… I feel like such a fucking crack addict that the rest of the world probably won’t be able to stop commenting on my crack.

Even wearing these boxer trunk thingies, you may not be able to actually see my crack… BUT I KNOW IT’S THERE!!!

Plus, they’re slim leg… which means they cling to my leg like ink-jet printouts and cum-stains cling to fourteen year old boys in the basements of their parents home in middle America. Jerk jerk, “Oh Sarah”, jerk jerk, new stain.

If anything, these new pants will kickstart me losing weight again.

New goal, Leigh… new goal: change your weight so you don’t look like such an idiot in these jeans.

For anyone that wants to see what I look like in low-cut jeans, our band will be playing at [url=]The Lansdowne[/url] at 7ish pm tonight.

Exe-telling you where you can go

We’re having a party! It’s a party for censorship! And who’s in the main fray of it?! Well, you know my old sista Exetel is surely gettin’ her groove on. Shiiiitttt, she be pickin’ up all the boys for some P2P action — if you know what I mean — and then letting them get half-way there and just droppin’ them, blue balls for what they wanted an’ all! And now, and this is so sick!!!; now she’s standing in front of the boys and is blocking them. They wanna go to some place, she just stands there is like “nuh-uh, you ain’t goin’ there if I don’t like what’s there!”

Shiiiiiiiiiittttt, my girl Exetel is da bomb!!!

Or rather, a bomb is what Exetel is becoming.

Making the news this week in two ways for issues customers are pissed with, but not content with just pissing off people in two ways, Exetel have gone for broke and have found a third way to piss people off.

Let me just fill you in in case you’re not aware.

Issue 1: Exetel are cutting P2P bandwidth by approximately half.

First of all, I’m not sure if this is a bad or good thing.

Financially, it makes sense.

Downloads cost Exetel money, and with bittorrent spreading the load in the manner it does as well as making it easier for files to be able to constantly downloaded, I imagine that a lot of people are making a lot of downloads.

That said, cutting the bandwidth in half means that people are still making the downloads… they’re just doing it slower.

And what if people start making an influx of direct file downloaded from say something like an FTP server or an HTTP connection, what then… do Exetel say “well shit, that didn’t work… let’s just halve the amount of connection say an ADSL1 user gets on their 512k connection to 256k… and then you’re paying 512k prices for 256k speeds… and at that point, Exetel are no better than a company enriched in the act of shaping and worse.

Issue 2: Deleted posts and phone support, oh my!

You had a post on the Exetel forum… maybe Whirlpool? You’re sure right? Positive… okay… because sometimes there’s this shit that happens where your post goes missing.

It’s like a glitch, except for that it’s not a glitch in the software, but rather a glitch in human thinking.

Or not thinking as the case may be.

Exetel are getting people’s forum posts deleted which express any outrage or anger that they don’t seem to like.
I mean sure… if it’s your forum, why not inform everyone there and wait for them to come and make a post so you can delete it!

Will you then claim later on that (since you’ve deleted many of the posts expressing outrage at the P2P cuts) that no-one got angry and that it went over reall well?

I’m sure the board of directors aren’t that stupid. Or maybe they are, and this was all worked out by them.
Either way, cutting phone support is about as intelligent as it gets, because of course… your website’s helpdesk is about is informative and up-to-date as the UBD Sydney Street Directory Elephant Edition that’s been printed on the ass of an elephant. Finding one in good and readable condition is about as easy as finding one that hasn’t faded in everyone’s car, especially if they don’t live in Sydney.

Sure, I could lodge a ticket with your help desk. I haven’t tried this yet, mind you… but seeing as how your company seems quite content with denying any and all logic to its customers in relation to how they’re handled, I think right now I’m more content with talking about you in this manner. When you decide to treat me like a human and not a single-celled amoeba, I’ll phone you. I should have the option, not the only choice.

Issue 3: Oh well this is just completely F@#@ed up! Wait… what the–?

In case you don’t actually feel like clicking the link and going through all of the conversation this debacle has brought, I’ll just bring you the text and the debacle from my opinion. Here’s the email:

Exetel has been approached by a legally constituted organisation to become pro-active in the attempts to make it more difficult for users of Exetel’s internet services to commit criminal acts.

Specifically, Exetel is being requested to do everything it might be able to do to restrict user’s of its ADSL1 and ADSL2 and wireless broadband services from accessing sites that allow people to steal copyrighted files, specifically movies,TV shows and music CDs.

Exetel’s current AUP specifically prohibits Exetel users from using its services to commit illegal acts:

“Illegal Use

The Exetel network may not be used for, or as transport for, any illegal activity. This includes but is not limited to; Copyright Infringement, Fraud, Denial of Service attacks and abuse of other networks.

Exetel reserves the right to suspend without prior notice any user�s service that, in its reasonable opinion, is being used for any illegal activity. The matter will then be referred to the appropriate law enforcement agency for further investigation”

We are assuming that no Exetel ADSL1 or ADSL2 or wireless broadband user would ever think of breaching any law and therefore would have no problem with Exetel actively assisting any legally constituted authority with any effort they may be empowered to make to prosecute any person who commits any criminal act.

First of all, who is this legally constituted organisation? Do they have a name, or are they the Imaginary Dangerous Internet Order Trust? I’d hear about those mysterious IDIOT’s who thought they knew better than everyone…

What about that second paragraph? You’re being “requested to do everything it might be able to do to restrict user’s of its ADSL1 and ADSL2 and wireless broadband services from accessing sites that allow people to steal copyrighted files, specifically movies,TV shows and music CDs.” What is everything? You going to hold my hand when I take a piss, too? I’d prefer it if you held something else, honestly.

Seriously, you’re thinking of blocking sites — of censoring sites — because some organisation you won’t name says you should in order to stop a user from getting something.

Someone obviously hasn’t thought this through as… most sites have copyrighted material on them!!! Why not just approve parts of the internet and send them out in a weekly newsletter!

“The Exetel network may not be used for, or as transport for, any illegal activity. This includes but is not limited to; Copyright Infringement, Fraud, Denial of Service attacks and abuse of other networks.” Ok. Fine.
What about abuse of your own network?

Seriously, while I think most of this is to cover their own asses, an issue as hot as this one where they’re approaching the possibility of censorship is going to piss off more users than they can imagine.

Australia is literally in the stone age when it comes to copyright law and media infringement laws.

Australia in the bronze age when it comes to television, movie, music and games releases. We tend to get a ridiculously small portion of the stuff America and the UK get on-time, and a horrendously large portion of the stuff everyone else gets near on time 3-5 years overdue.

Australia is, however, up to date with everyone for telemarketing. We’re not back in time with any of this shit and you can tell we’ve got our priorities straight.

Our priorities are with jobs. Jobs for Australians. In India. Like the rest of the world.


Single White Male Seeks Female That Isn’t Dead And Likes Geeks

Good luck to me and may I have better luck for the near future for my quest.

Don’t worry. You read that right. It doesn’t make any sense, and I’m not entirely sure whether I’m capable of making sense at 2:22 in the morning.

A Friday morning, for that matter.

How long will it be before the Saint of monetary values, St. George, sends me a message by way of the great wireless tin can telling me how little of that monetary amount I have left in my account.

That might be one reason as to why I can’t get the womens: no money.

That doesn’t matter to this chick.

She’s happy to share her room in Japan with any white guys under the age of 35 provided she can have sex with them. Well, yeah… sure… I mean, sex is a very depressing thing and surely I should leave parts of myself at the lobby in case an ethereal nun floats on by and wants to beat me with a bible… but you know, what the fuck! In fact… let’s just get rid of the “what the” altogether, Keiko! Let’s just fuck!

Her fascination with people’s kidneys and waking up in a bath-tub without one concerns me slightly.

I mean sure, if I were to sleep with a hot Asian lady and get room & board included in the price, I’d expect to have to pay for something… but a kidney is worth far more than 25 bucks (that’s 2,245 yen for you, Keiko) so in my mind… I’m getting ripped off.

I mean hell, for a kidney, I’d want to be getting my money’s worth. A blowjob and fucking for the price of a kidney should at the very least come with a video of the event and a shirt to let people know[/url] that you did the deed and all you got was this lousy fucking t-shirt (and one less kidney).

Seriously, short of this whole thing being one big joke, where are the girls in Australia that advertise like this?

You don’t see advertisements in the classified section of the Sydney Morning Herald saying “20 yr old law student seeks roommate she can fuck the brains out of” do you? I mean, I’d have no chance with them, mind you.

Oh no, it’s not that I doubt myself in that way.
With an ad like that, I doubt I’d be able to get through over the phone… the lines would be packed and I’d have to see her in person, and if I tracked her down, I’d be considered a stalker, and shit… I’m just too lazy for shit like that.

Plus, being a stalker to a law student wouldn’t be all that fun.
If she’s a lawyer who gets her rocks off putting crims like yourself away, you’d only get to hear about her orgasm ten minutes later after you’re sentenced to prison sitting in lock-up waiting for a decent meal.

Then you could try to put a similar ad out based on conjugal visits.