Guitar Hero 3: I can’t get no… satisfaction.

I've been playing Guitar Hero 3: Legends of Rock for the Xbox 360 over the course of this weekend and I really only have one thing to say about it:

To whom do I issue the medical bill at Activision?

Really, that's the question I have to ask because after playing it for only a couple of days, my wrist is killing me more than what four to five hours of straight masturbation would cause. Seriously, I can barely flex or ball up my pinky finger on my left hand without feeling a pinch in my wrist.

So, to whom do I issue the medical bill at Activision?

It's an odd situation when you have a game that doesn't accomplish much more than a slightly intriguing vertical sensation when you look back from the screen and a sore arm. I'm not used to games that don't actually warn about injury when they should.

Guitar Hero 3: Legends of Rock is one such title.

Play in front of a crowd of sprites that will tell you if you're crap or not! Yeah! Just like real life!

I should say that prior to this review, I'd only briefly played Guitar Hero 2 at my brothers' and Guitar Hero 3 even more briefly when I was showing my boss how to play it so he could show people on the Today Show recently. So it's safe to say that my experience with Red Octane / Neversoft (games based off of Konami) games is pretty limited.

But from now on, I have this feeling I'll keep it limited because really…

I have no idea how someone finds this game fun.

Sure, the concept is great. A rhythm game where you're given a guitar to muck around with. Hey, it's like Dance Dance Revolution without the dancing bit.

Yes, you biff macho men! You're playing Dance Dance Revolution like all of those people you used to call retards at the local arcade jumping and bouncing their arses off while you watched the jubblies and went "wankers", your erection stifled by your empty words.

What you're doing here? Same thing, except you're less likely to lose weight from it.

After looking at GH2 and GH3, you can easily say that the presentation has been cleaned up nicely. There's now an actual look and the text doesn't look like it's been added by a four year old who suddenly realised his nose was a goldmine of fun and he should do something about it.

Guitar Hero 3 has been a look and a style that works with it. Blending that Gorillaz look with your stereotypical rock feel works well in the game even though some of the characters look like they'd probably do better in DDR than GH3.

The sound too is excellent and while many of the songs aren't to my taste (some are), the sound quality is all pretty high up there with only the niggles appearing in background noises.

It's the gameplay that I take issue with because really…

…it's just not fun.

If colours, buttons, and girls are your sort of thing, how about the United Colours of Benetton instead?

No, really, I tried to enjoy this game. I got through it and even started playing it on medium mode and while I could see that it was addictive, it just wasn't fun. Dance Dance Revolution has you jumping all over the place and it's this Simon-like play of DDR combined with how often you're jumping around like a speed-induced version of Twister taking place on the moon that really brigs a smile to people's faces.

Likewise Elite Beat Agents: you're tapping all over the place with frantic rhythms to songs that work well with the medium. It's a load of fun and just as addictive.

But Guitar Hero 3? It's just not that fun.

Once you start realising that you're not really accomplishing anything but you're still stuck playing, the game begins to lose momentum.

It gets worse when you realise that songs you might actually play in real life are just downright boring here. Case in point: Matchbook Romance's "Monsters". I play that in real life on my bass. I love playing it. I always have. But in this game… it's just so bloody boring. There's no bounce or fun; it's just pattern after pattern and that gets tired quickly.

Even Elite Beat Agents started screwing with the patterns you were doing pretty quickly into the second and third choruses. What does Guitar Hero 3 do? Piss all.

And what the hell is with this "Legends of Rock" moniker you've gone for?

There's the dude from Rage Against The Machine… he's not a legend. He's good, great… but not a legend. And there's Slash… okay, he's legendary but that's it. There's Satan… but he's mythical depending on your standpoint, and the only thing that Satan's character does in this that's legendary is piss you off and give you the sore wrist.

Levels like this are the reason that it hurts to type this caption right now.

Really, masturbation is more fun than this. Although that said, masturbation is more fun than a lot of things.

The reason I make the connection with "masturbation" is that at least in masturbation, you're enjoying yourself and accomplishing something while possibly making your wrist hurt. In Guitar Hero 3, satisfaction just doesn't exist. Not even The Rolling Stones' "Satisfaction".

I think I'll go back to playing bass. At least that's fun (for me) and doesn't cause RSI. 

1 Comment

Submit a Comment
  • Reply


    So you play guitar in real life. Hmm, I guess that would detract from the enjoyment of pretending you can.
    You see, Like the minority if us , I have never been a guitar player and this game makes me feel like I am a champ at it, so I love it.
    Its like a race car champion would probably take issue with racing games that us regular folk love.
    Games are made to put us in a world we otherwise never experience, and this game for the most part does this.
    I can however apreciate a musician finding this a litle lame compared to the real thing, but as for me – I love it. I

Leave a Reply to Anonymous Cancel Reply

Your Comment