I tried the game “Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses” for the Nintendo DS today and I have discovered the truth!
[b]Barbie is actually Beelzebub.[/b]
Adults who pay the cost of having daughters affectionate to the mass-marketed one have probably already realised this, but for those yet to understand or be convinced, be aware that there is no other answer for what I am a witness to. I don’t care whether your religion states that the fallen one is a man and not a woman, or if he’s actually red with pointy horns and a trident that makes King Triton’s look more like a toothpick, I swear to you upon what I have seen in this game that the one-who-got-famous-by-plastic… is none other than… Satan.
No, not Pamela Anderson. Barbie.
For instance, in the game, you’re supposed to blow out fires.
But you don’t have to. You can just walk right through them and Barbie hurts and goes invincible for a faded second before she returns to normal. Seriously. The game asks you to make a good use of the microphone and blow out the fires, but you can walk through them without any fuss.
In fact, just about everything hurts Barbie… even things which probably shouldn’t. I played a few levels and these are some of the things I found out that could hurt Barbie: ants, crickets, giant venus fly traps, bluebirds, crows, spiders, fire, falling vases, ladybugs.
Ladybugs?! Ladybugs for fucks sake! How… wait… do they crawl-on-you-to-death?! What the hell were the developers thinking?!
So, pretty much everything can hurt Barbie and we hence discover that she suffers from [url=http://extratv.warnerbros.com/reframe.html?http://extratv.warnerbros.com/dailynews/rxtra/01_01/01_06e.html]Multiple Chemical Sensitivity[/url] and it sucks to be her… or does it? Unlike people who actually suffer from MCS, Barbie can’t actually die.
[img]https://www.leighlo.com/uploads/random/2006/Barbie001.jpg[/img]
[i]Barbie’s man is asleep. Don’t worry… you won’t be too far off, either.[/i]
I’ve tried running her through fire, getting ants to munch all over her, being hit by falling vases (seriously, who the fuck puts a vase on the top of a window sill with the expectation it’s going to fall on someone’s head?!), pushing her off of a cliff, falling from great heights, and being eaten by a hungry venus fly trap… and yet she just constantly reappears.
Go Barbie game… showing kids that no… they just won’t die. No matter what.
[b]”Hey Mum! Watch me walk through fire!”[/b]
[img]https://www.leighlo.com/uploads/random/2006/Barbie002.jpg[/img]
[img]https://www.leighlo.com/uploads/random/2006/Barbie003.jpg[/img]
[i]Falling vases seem to be very common in the Barbie household. And when they explode on her head, they make an interesting looking hat (for a second).[/i]
And then there’s some bullshit with Barbie’s home.
You see, Barbie’s rich. She’s a princess. She lives in a magical far away place that you don’t fucking know exists, and by the way, if I didn’t mention it, she’s a princess. And she’s got a guy who’s sleeping for some reason (probably because he’s sick and tired of her bullshit).
And yet, with all that money that a princess of the Barbie empire would have… she still can’t clean up some fucking ants. Ants running through the home. Where’s the butler… the maid… hell, Barbie– get off your ledge jumping ass for a second and sweep up the ants!
[img]https://www.leighlo.com/uploads/random/2006/Barbie004.jpg[/img]
[i]Barbie has an ant problem. For once, I can relate.[/i]
And who designed that home?! It makes the [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winchester_Mystery_House]Winchester Mystery House[/url] seem like [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Playboy_Mansion]the Playboy Mansion[/url]. I’m half expecting a naked Playboy playmate [url=http://www.millionaireplayboy.com/toys/playoct03.php]version of Barbie[/url] to randomly pop out onto one of the ledges after a right shagging from Mr. Hefner himself.
What the fuck sort of crack is this game on?! And why don’t they package the game with a specimen of the drugs they developed it with so it can make more sense to you while you’re playing it?!
[img]https://www.leighlo.com/uploads/random/2006/Barbie005.jpg[/img]
[img]https://www.leighlo.com/uploads/random/2006/Barbie006.jpg[/img]
[img]https://www.leighlo.com/uploads/random/2006/Barbie007.jpg[/img]
[i]I wanna know who the fuck designed this home. Imagine being called down for breakfast: “I’ll be right down, just as soon as I jump a gap, then run off of three ledges, avoid the ants, jump over some more gaps, and find the kitchen!”[/i]
Seriously, in playing this game, I’ve found it ridiculously repetitive and boring and I just got sick and tired of the constant pointlessness after somewhere between half an hour to an hour. You’re told to do things like avoid or kill animals with a butterfly net or magical powers. It’s probably not even killing them. It’s probably some half-arsed attempt to make the creatures fly off the screen and land in a magical place made just for them! Or some shit like that.
And you don’t have to. You can walk through fire and off of ledges and let bugs and birds and shit try to hurt you ’till your heart’s content… you can walk through whatever the hell you want and you won’t die. No energy bar, no life metre… nothing.
It’s a game that doesn’t require skill but seems to require an incredibly amount of patience for how pointlessly stupid and boring it’s going to be.
This game is made for people who are afraid of paper clips.