Low-cut jeans

One of my clients has given me some low-cut jeans.

These jeans are cut low at the waist… and… while I’m wearing them… I just don’t get it.

I mean why… why would anyone want to have a cut of jeans that specifically aims to show off their crack?

What sort of idiot in marketing or design one day went “Hmm… well, since jeans are all the rage… let’s try something completely unexpected. How about this… a pair of jeans where an inch or two is cut off from the height of the waist line so that no matter what happens, at all points someone can see part of your ass crack when they look at your ass!”

These pants bring new meaning to the word crack addict.

Hi. My name is Leigh and I’m a crack addict… and I’ve never taken an ounce of crack in my life… but by wearing these low-cut jeans… I feel like such a fucking crack addict that the rest of the world probably won’t be able to stop commenting on my crack.

Even wearing these boxer trunk thingies, you may not be able to actually see my crack… BUT I KNOW IT’S THERE!!!

Plus, they’re slim leg… which means they cling to my leg like ink-jet printouts and cum-stains cling to fourteen year old boys in the basements of their parents home in middle America. Jerk jerk, “Oh Sarah”, jerk jerk, new stain.

If anything, these new pants will kickstart me losing weight again.

New goal, Leigh… new goal: change your weight so you don’t look like such an idiot in these jeans.

For anyone that wants to see what I look like in low-cut jeans, our band will be playing at [url=http://www.thelansdowne.com.au/gigs.html]The Lansdowne[/url] at 7ish pm tonight.

White Children

Little Jack.
Little Jill.
So small.
So young.
So innocent.
What would they know about the real world?
More than you and me.
The faces are gleaming with the smiles they’re streaming and they experience more than me.
The bags in their pockets cause they’ve sold all their rockets and now they’ll be as high as a tree.
As they hold the spoon and light the flame, their eyes glisten in delight.
As they insert the needles and get very happy, they couldn’t care if they got into a fight.
Little Jack.
Little Jill.
So small.
So young.
So innocent.
Yeah, you’d think that wouldn’t you?
You’d be wrong.
For Jack removes his pants and Jill does a little dance and they try to figure out what a condom is for.
And Jack pushes in making Jill’s head spin as they go and have sex on the kindergarten floor.
As Jack yells out loud and Jill screams in delight, the teachers burst in for their daily raids.
Jack and Jill go to the doctor cause they think something is wrong and they find that they each have AIDS.
Such a shame for the white children who like to play.
There’s little Jack.
There’s little Jill.
So small.
So young.
So innocent.
We make so many stereotypes of other people.
We make so many others feel bad.
We need to stop.

‘Why don’t we learn anything in school, Daddy?’

It’s a question of knowledge, boy; the type of knowledge you need for life,
It’s teachers, you see, that give us that type of knowledge you need for life —
History, well, that’s what started it off —
And if they also give us a high level of boredom
That’s their job, not a fringe benefit, a game of Russian roulette
Likely to hand out a victim a trip to the morgue.

Without teachers, let’s face it, a school is completely hopeless,
And these days, it’s bad for a kid to be completely hopeless in
Anything at all —

Math:
Well, son, you do need to know how to count.
One woman plus one woman plus one woman does equal five women and a lot of
Pleasure.
English:
You do need know how to speak English so you can tell your girlfriend how beeeyouteeful she is.
Science:
Boy, let me tell you that you don’t want to mix alkeehol and fire together.
History:
Who gives a damn about those old buggers in the past that you have to learn about?
No one! Ignore it. They piss me off anyway.
Art:
You do want to learn about how good jigsaw puzzles look once they’re finished, don’t you?

It’s an annoying school, son.

You not learning anything in school? Oh, well the teachers
Are on the advice of their big brother, the principal,
That they can’t teach you a damned thing or else they’d
Slap the shit out of each other.

Darkness Calls

It flies above you
Swiftly, gently, calling the wind to it’s power
It flies with a great risk, into the song of danger
Claps of thunder, lights of lightning, and a great stream of color
Your eyes watch the sky for a few minutes
A tear streams down your eye
“That’s life,” your head tells you
But to yourself, you think there’s something more you can do
You take a newspaper out of a rack, go to shelter, and read carefully
It takes you a while, but soon you realize it
The song of World War III was never meant to be
Your life was never meant to be shortened as it is right now
You call each leader, and try to speak to them
Each leader is out, trying to fight a war that will never be over
Running, you head to a helicopter
Pain strikes
You grab your arm to find out that it’s been shot
Without turning your head, you start the engine to the helicopter
Pain strikes yet again
This time, to the helicopter, not to you
The fuel tank has been shot and is now leaking
There isn’t much time
The helicopter flies into the middle
Your voice, hooked up to a loud speaker, is projected in a 50 mile radius
Everyone hears you
You look down at the fuel gage
“Empty”
The helicopter starts to fall
A child sees the stream of color arise from where you died
A tear drops down their cheek
The war has been stopped
And your name, was called into the darkness

**This poem received 3rd place in the Dallas PTA chapter of the Reflections program in 1997**

Freeze! Put the camera down! Don’t make me shoot you (with bullets)!

Waverley has now become… a dangerous place.

You might see them walking around Bondi Beach with their weapons… they don’t care… they’ve got them out and are proud to show them…

From the short-range tools to the long-range instruments, people are ready to use their weaponry to get the ultimate shot.

And it is that shot that makes a postcard picture.

Why am I speaking like this, saying words that makes it seem like a photographer is a criminal or is someone who might end up being on the wrong side of the law?

Because in Waverley Council, taking pictures is now banned and considered a “hazard to public safety,” according to The Daily Telegraph.

Granted, The Daily Telegraph was asking people to do a survey and were taking pictures of them to go with it. That said, “asking” might have been translated to “harassing” by some people and even “oh my God, get away from me, no really, I don’t care about your stupid fucking newspaper-it’s easily the worst tabloid-newssheet on the planet” by others. I’m not saying that last one would’ve been me, but rather would have been others. Maybe.

However, since this is an article and a blog entry on a stupid idea by Waverley Council, the very area I live in, I’d like to make some points by some stupid people. Please note that while I say these people are stupid, they may not necessarily be stupid and may just in fact make some stupid comments. It is likely that they actually are stupid, and were I to meet them in the street and know who they are, if they happened to utter a line about how right they were in making these comments, I’d still think that they were stupid people. That said, here are some comments that probably fall under the jurisdiction of the word “stupid” in the dictionary:

“Anyone conducting any act on public space is obliged to apply for a permit,” Ms McDonald said. “It’s a policy of Waverley Council as caretakers of public space.” (Waverley Council’s Bondi Junction manager Linda McDonald)

Ms. McDonald, what the hell constitutes an “act”? Can I breathe without a permit? Too harsh maybe?

Okay, can I cry in public without a permit? Can I perform rehearsals in a park for a play I’m in with friends without a permit?- that would be the very definition of an act.

And photography — to you — is an act. Well then, can I take pictures of anything I want without a permit? No? Well seriously, how the fuck are you going to enforce it? No, really… I want to know.

How are you going to stop the millions of tourists that come down to Bondi each year to take pictures? Are you going to walk up to them and say that “Oh, I’m sorry… we can’t have you taking pictures of anything around here, unless you have a permit.”

Oh, and by the way, you can ask them to leave, but you can’t arrest them since it’s not illegal.

So if by chance you happen to tell me, as a photographer (which I am), that I’m not allowed to take pictures and I take a few steps back and start shooting again… how the hell are you going to stop me? You don’t have any legal rights to ask for my film or card, nor do you have any rights to detain my camera or myself. You can always call the police and ask that I wait, but since you don’t enforce the law and only enforce this loose set of stupid rules that only make sense if you happen to be an idiot, I can always say “well, it’s all well and good that you’ve called the police, but since you’re not a member of the police yourself, I don’t have to give a shit” and just bugger off home.

Nice, isn’t it?

Ranger Nikki Taylor said permission was required to take the photos because it was a “safety issue” to stop people in the street.

Wow, Ms. Taylor. Did you have that line spoonfed to you by the same idiots making these rules up?

This issue arose over The Daily Telegraph stopping people in the street for a survey of some sort and taking their pictures.

But what if you take their picture without stopping them, by shooting within the public domain as you’re actually allowed to.

What then, Ms. Taylor? Are you going to stop me taking pictures if I don’t stop them? Permission isn’t required if I’m selling them for artistic purposes or not selling them at all. Commercial enterprises is the only place where I’d need their permission, and I won’t be needing your permission to shoot anyone if I decide to do what I always do and shoot from afar.

Ms McDonald said this policy was the same as “every other Sydney council”.

But councils contacted yesterday had not heard of the extreme policies and lambasted them as an attack on free speech.

Manly Mayor Peter McDonald was stunned by the ranger’s orders. “There’s no way Manly Council would support that,” he said.

“I think that makes Waverley Council look a little silly.”

Sorry Waverley Council… did you think you were intelligent at all in making this decision?

Perhaps it would have been bright to actually… oh I don’t know… think about something before you made that decision so as to stop yourself from look like the idiots that you seem to be indicating to the community that you are.