The supermarket is full of absolutely pointless things.
Like Spam. Seriously… what the fuck is the point of that stuff? It seems only useful to stuff in someone’s crack so we don’t have to see it climbing up their back.
Coles, of course, has their “You’ll Love Coles” brand which I’ve looked at before in trying to figure out if it was a brand name or an order.
I can just imagine Hitler walking around a Coles supermarket with bottles of Coles brand cola and yelling insanely at people “You will love Coles! Or you will suffer!”
Ironically, if you even attempt to love You’ll Love Coles’ Diet Cola product, it’s likely you’ll suffer anyway. Unless you drink it with Malibu.
I saw their pineapple soda drink the other day. I don’t remember what the character on the label was called, but I remember the quote:
[quote]You can really taste the pineapple![/quote]
“You can really taste the pineapple!” What the fuck else would you expect from a pineapple soda?! I imagine that “You can really taste the ham!” wouldn’t work well for their Kosher buyers, but possibly “You can really taste the ass!” could work for everyone who’s a little curious what ass tastes like, who’s ass it is, and if ass tastes anything like pineapple.
Upon getting some soap to wash myself with, I was greeted by an interesting surprise.
You see, upon trying You’ll Love Coles Diet Cola, I was greeted with a chap named Lachlan.
Lachlan, as it happens, was a professional. That’s all I can work out as he must’ve definitely been a professional since he was on the cover of a product targeted at consumers. Lachlan looked my age, around his early-to-mid-twenties, which I imagine is actually quite young for a professional who’s sitting on the cover of such an enticing product.
He even spoke. He spoke to me like the word of God and said:
[img]https://www.leighlo.com/uploads/random/coles-cola02.jpg[/img]
Now if that’s not a discussion with God, then I don’t know what is.
Then again, I’m a Distorted Jew… which I’ll explain later (it’s a religion of my own invention… and it’s only valid near Christmas…), so me not knowing what a discussion with God is or even god with a lowercase “g” probably isn’t something that’s either a big deal or something I care about.
Anyway.
I was getting some soap out when I was greeted with this (excuse the poor image quality, if you could):
[img]https://www.leighlo.com/uploads/random/coles-lachlan-soap.jpg[/img]
Now I’m not sure if you can read it but that says…
[quote]”It’s not just the fresh fragrance, it’s great for grubby kids too!”
Debbie & Lachlan, like mother like son[/quote]
Riiiighhhtt… so Lachlan is a twenty-something who works for You’ll Love Coles promoting Cola and Diet Cola and they’ve coincidentally got some mum named Debbie with her son named Lachlan helping to promote this soap.
Because people do that. People just promote soap all the time.
I do it, you do it… we all do it. We all promote soap… or cola… right? Surely?
I’ve never met a person named Lachlan. I’m sure they exist… but to have two in a product campaign… wow… that’s some nifty luck…
Unless there’s another reason like…
[b]Lachlan is a time-traveller!!![/b]
What can quantum mechanics say to us with this sort of situation? Seriously, I don’t know. As much as I love the idea of understand quantum mechanics, my degree is in Fine Arts so I can tell you how crap that piece of art you’re considering buying is but I can’t tell you a whole lot about String Theory and how it relates to Lachlan.
But I can tell you a theory of mine… and that theory is that IF Lachlan and the other You’ll Love Coles characters are indeed real and aren’t fictional idiots conceived by some dickhead in marketing who thought he was being really intelligent… then Cola Lachlan is actually the same as Soap Lachlan except for that Cola Lachlan has travelled twenty years into the past because his life was crap in the future, he had no job, and he’s always had this burning desire to bang his mum Debbie and now is the time when she was hot.
So Cola Lachlan of the Future can walk into Soap Debbie and Soap Lachlan of the Past and form a relationship with Soap Debbie and shag the living hell out of her in the meantime creating a paradox with Soap Lachlan actually being the son of Cola Lachlan of the Future except he’s skipped ahead his whole lifespan to see who his parent was because the moment Cola Lachlan of the Future figures all of this shit out, his head is going to explode just like mine is about to, and his will probably happen at the precise moment right before he was going to orgasm and come all over Soap Debbie’s back, just to inconvenience him.
[b]*Leigh’s head explodes*[/b]