Someone up there must like me.
By up there, I don't mean the people above me. No, I'm convinced they hate me.
I mean up there as in "up there" up there. Even though I'm an atheist. And a Jew. And someone who wears a Santa hat. Go figure.
You see, as I was walking home from doing present shopping, some lady who looked to be in her forties smiled at my Santa hat and then gave me a pamphlet as I walked.
What's strange about this is I don't normally get given pamphlets. I'm more of a meaty envelope person.
No, seriously what's strange about this is the nature of the pamphlet I was given. This was what it said on the important part:
Have you ever told a lie?
This includes fibs, white lies and half truths…………. Yes, yes I have.
Have you ever stolen anything?
The value of the item is irrelevant……………………. Well sure, if you put it that way.
Have you ever hated anyone?
If someone hates another person
they are a murderer…………………………………….. Wait– what the fuck?!
Have you ever looked at someone with lust?
Anyone who looks lustfully at another
person has already committed adultery
with them in their heart………………………………… Geeze. If only.
How did you go?
If you answered "yes" to any one of the questions,
unfortunately you have broken God's law.
Shit. How many laws do you think I'll be breaking when I release my Christmas card?!
What an odd coincidence though. I mean what higher power wouldn't know that I'm about to release my Christmas card that all of 3 people might like.
Hell, I don't even know if I like it. It's a sequel. You know what that means… better wait 'till it hits DVD.
And it's a card. It's never hitting DVD.
I've actually managed to offend my test audience with the card… which tells me I've either done something horribly right or horribly wrong with it.
It's definitely not made for anyone who values any sentimentality in their religion what so ever.
You don't just need to have your tongue in your cheek for this card. You need to have severed your tongue from your mouth, shoved it up your ass, jammed a metal spike through it, and then taken a laxative.
It's pretty sickening… and it's after the jump in the "to be continued" bit…
Okay, now remember… this is a sequel.
This is the original card…
And this is the original post which held that card …
Okay, now that we've gotten the original less-blasphemous card out of the way, onto the one that you really need to take with a pencil NOT in your ass. Or a grain of salt. Very very very big fucking salt.
Okay?
If you don't like it, hit the "X" button in your browser. Or just don't look. It's really simple.
What's important to understand here is that I'm not purposely intending to insult people's religion. Not in any way. I'm just relating Christmas to something my dark & cynical mind can appreciate.
You don't have to like the card. Hell, I'm not even sure if I like the card.
I might even pull it down tomorrow.
But it's all I could think of after last year's effort.