All posts tagged Sex

Love Muffins

One thing I've noticed over the past year is phrasing and the way people say words.

For instance, "fuck" can be said in lots of different ways.

Consider in this instance, we're talking about the act of having sex. Here, you can say any of the following:

  • "I want to fuck you"
  • "I'd like to have sex with you"
  • "Want to go in the corner and shag?"
  • "I gotsta get laid tonight!"
  • "Bend over bitch; we're doing the nasty."
  • "Anal or missionary?"
  • "It's time for the funky cold medina."
  • "Would it be okay if we had sexual intercourse now?"

In fact, with the exception of the last one, every single one of those is probably a lot nicer than the phrase I'm having problem with because to be honest…

I don't think there's any nice way to say I want to eat your pussy.

 

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Ron Jeremy’s Large Hardon Collider

This week, CERN will be activating their Large Hadron Collider, a device that will likely show us how our universe was created and piss off Christians & Creationists at the same time.

That’s brilliant. I love any device that can teach us something and piss off religious right wing idiots. That’s fucking brilliant.

It also comes with the added bonus of having a slight possibility that turning it on – which happens on Wednesday – might destroy us all and turn the Earth into a giant puddle of goo.

Goo! Goo I tell you!

That said, in an interview I had with Professor Tony Doyle last year, one of the scientists working at CERN (we spoke about a different matter), you’ve got a greater chance of getting sucked into a black hole while shaving than you have in being turned into a gelatinous slime ball as a result of the switch being flicked.

Not like you’d be any the wiser, though.

Still, people have been complaining, sending death threats, and generally acting like idiots all in an effort to stop CERN from throwing that big shiny particle accelerator switch that might end their lives.

It’s a monumental occasion and the idiots will be ignored but I feel compelled to point out that one minor miscalculation and it’s all over.

One minor mistake and CERN’s Large Hadron Collider becomes

Ron Jeremy’s Large Hardon Collider


Click on the image to see Ron Jeremy surrounded by a sexy Large Hardon Collider!

Yes, that’s right. One minor mistake by moving a letter “r” to left one place and the giant tube belonging to science becomes the property of one man whose member goes against any and every understanding for what is seen as physical science.

Ron Jeremy’s Large Hardon Collider… who wants to see it?

Ssshhh… no need to raise your hands. I know you all want to see it. Geeze…

Midday Train Erotica

Here's some Midday Erotica for you… you know, because I can write random sentences that occasionally look coherent enough to be legible crap on a screen. 

I'm calling this series "Train Erotica" and whether it becomes a series or not remains to be seen.

I guess it's entirely dependent on how horny I am on morning trains. I'm horny a lot of time so I guess this could go for a while.

 

 

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Where do you find girls?: A round up of options for men

Now that my brain has well and truly kicked itself into practical and horny gear – a state of mind I'd have hoped for years ago and is making me a lot happier – I only have one question:

Where do you find girls?

Being a guy doesn't come with a manual or an FAQ, something of which would come in really handy. There aren't any tip guides or counselors telling you which place to go to or what sites to visit if you'd like to moisten your rocket in thick screaming pleasure.

Short of the obvious answer – porn – there isn't a lot for a guy to do.

Oh sure, I could spend my time in a club painfully working up the courage to speak to the right girl, buying them drinks, and then having it end oh so terribly when she decides to go home with the guy who sat across from you the entire time making eyes for her and didn't have to pitch in a single cocktail.

Yes, that sort of shit happens.

So I just really want to know where I find girls. Continue Reading

The funniest guy in… St. Leonards.

I wonder if this will be a problem for me long term: this whole need to make people smile.

Take what happened to me only a few days ago…

I was in bed with a gorgeous girl, we'll call her S for the moment. S is as sexy and sensuous as the letter S could provide. She has soft skin, seductive strands of black hair, supple lips, and a sexual tenacity that I can only hope other girls have too. S is incredible in case I didn't give that impression off in the first place.

But while I should have probably been kissing, licking and getting all freaky all up inside of her one August morning, I was instead making her laugh.

Hysterically. (And I'll be making ya'll laugh hysterically with the same thing hopefully soon as I'm working on it.)

But the thing I'm troubled about is this:

Should I have been making S laugh so much that her face created a new shade of red and ran out of air when I could have been, you know, actually having sex?

I wonder if this is going to become a problem for me. You know, getting to know a girl and then getting down to do something sexy but screwing it all up by causing ridiculous amounts of laughter because that's what my personality is.

I mean I know that rambunctious laughter will be the likely result when my mouth isn't full of tongue and is given the opportunity to wriggle around and actually speak, but is it beneficial to be able to make a girl laugh when you're both in bed and probably could be fucking.

I guess it then leads that line to this question:

Can laughter be better than sex?

And that's something I don't know… I just don't know.