All posts tagged religion

My God Thinks World Youth Day Is Bullshit

This evening, I decided that I would love to create a wonderfully decorative and yet representative t-shirt for my beliefs to wear around Sydney when the Pope decides to visit. I feel that this shirt not only honours him but honours the understanding of "God" which I may or may not have being the Disturbed Jew that I am.

It would say:

MY GOD THINKS WORLD YOUTH DAY IS BULLSHIT.

It wouldn't necessarily have to be all in caps either. Rather, it could resemble that of a decently written fragment sentence:

My God thinks World Youth Day is bullshit.

It could even be worded for the youth who happen to agree with me:

OMG-ish! My G*D thinks WYD is bullshit! LOL-OMG-ROFLMAO!

That one could have a blue or green pixel-y background to resemble the mobile phone generation.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen… my invisible, hypothetical, and altogether irrelevant deity happens to think that Sydney's Pope visit lasting five or six days and inappropriately titled World Youth Day is a crock of shit.

Just look at some of the things they'd like the public of Sydney to submit to…

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The Moral Write

It appears that The Moral Right groups or group or random individual with a coat-hanger lodged firmly in their ass are back to their old tricks again… terrorizing local video stores with a black felt tipped marker.

Yes, it's horrifying stuff. Isn't it dreadful to know that in a world filled with hate, anger, and Fergie songs (which tend to provoke even more hate & anger), there's some random wacko with a black pen making sure that you all feel his pent up Bible bashing rage in all its Jesus juicing… jizziness… sorry, I'm out of j words.

Jug.

Jug is all I have right now.

In any case, I saw this in the adult section of my local video store while I was looking to rent a DVD… and before you ask, no I wasn't looking for a nice adult title to go home and molest myself to.

If my mother knew that I was looking at the adult section, she probably wouldn't care.

If I knew I was looking at it, I'd probably beat myself into oblivion. Me rent porn? Shit, I haven't done that since I was 15 or so. And that's not even porn. That's got about as much pornographic as a nature film, less even. R-rated porn lacks the important things like explicit vaginas and the all-important cum shot.

Shit, if my mother knew what I was doing, she'd probably be ashamed at me for renting something so… tame. Blech.

Which is why it got worse when I turned the box over to see what was on the other side.

Jesus weeps for me? I highly doubt it. 

Shouldn't Jesus be weeping for the lack of any real substance in those videos? I thought Jesus was a man of substance, of truth, and of praise. There's no substance or truth in those crappy-ass R-rated video store pornos, and without either substance or truth, it really lacks any need for praise. Unless you have praise for the easiest way to get pissed at not having a cum shot. Which I don't praise.

No, I think Jesus weeps for the fact that he's stuck in a section that thinks Atonement is porn.

Seriously, I want to see Keira Knightley naked and in a compromising situation (and by compromising, I mean intimate as all hell) as much as the next guy (and by next guy, I mean Jeremy Clarkson) but Atonement is not porn.

Sadly.

I did ask the guy from the video store if he knew that was there and he said yes and how funny it was. They're not taking it down because it's funny.

I certainly think it is. Hell, I got a laugh out of it when I saw it hence why I took a couple of photos. 😛 

 

I am so going to be smited…

Is that even the way to spell “smited”?

I guess it is.

I’m going to be the smited by the one who does the smiting for he is the smiter that will make me smote. Okay. Smited probably isn’t a word.
Firefox 2.0’s in-built spell-checker is going “what the fuck are you on about with this ‘smited’ bullshit?” by way of a wavy red line.

Damn you wavy red line! Damn you to hell! Just let me have my word! The four people who visit this blog will let me have it… why can’t you?!

I won’t even try to argue with the spell-checker. It’s Firefox and powered by Mozilla. It’s probably going to be a lot smarter than I am.
It’s probably more secure… I mean, fuck, when you talk about a person’s insecurities, do you really want to be compared to Firefox? Fuck, you’d want to be compared to Internet Explorer… there are enough holes in that to make Swiss cheese ashamed.

This is the conversation that probably takes place between Swiss cheese and Internet Explorer:

Swiss cheese: ‘Sup.
Internet Explorer: Would Swiss cheese say ‘sup’?
Swiss cheese: What would you have me say?
Internet Explorer: Well, shouldn’t you be saying something… I don’t know… a little more Swiss?
Swiss cheese: Konbanwa.
Internet Explorer: What the hell is that?
Swiss cheese: Swiss.
Internet Explorer: You call that Swiss?
Swiss cheese: I do.
Internet Explorer: I don’t exactly have my Swiss language packs installed yet, but I’d say that’s Japanese or something.
Swiss cheese: But you don’t know, do you?
Internet Explorer: Well, I could always Google it.
Swiss cheese: I thought you were powered by Microsoft technologies…
Internet Explorer: Fine. I’ll Microsoft search it.
Swiss cheese: Well?
Internet Explorer: Gimme a minute, okay. It’s not like I’m Firefox.
Swiss cheese: Well duh, Hüüsli.
Internet Explorer: What was that?
Swiss cheese: What was what?
Internet Explorer: That word. It sounded like it was Swiss.
Swiss cheese: How would you know?
Internet Explorer: I just downloaded and installed my Swiss language packs.
Swiss cheese: Why would you have your Swiss language packs installed and not your Japanese ones?
Internet Explorer: I’m programmed by Microsoft. Don’t expect logic in the gaping hole where you’d normally expect logic. I’m just one of those things. I’m probably a beta. From a Swiss person’s hard drive.
Swiss cheese: From a Swiss person’s hard drive?
Internet Explorer: From a Swiss person’s hard drive. Are you confirming it was Japanese?
Swiss cheese: What was Japanese?
Internet Explorer: That word.
Swiss cheese: Hüüsli?
Internet Explorer: No. That’s tomato.
Swiss cheese: Toilet.
Internet Explorer: Same thing.
Swiss cheese: Depends on the restaurant.
Internet Explorer: Konbanwa!
Swiss cheese: Good evening to you too!
Internet Explorer: *sigh*
Swiss cheese: You okay?
Internet Explorer: Did you ever wonder why someone put a slice of Swiss cheese and someone’s half-used copy of Internet Explorer together?
Swiss cheese: I don’t ask questions, Hüüsli. I just roll with the flow.
Internet Explorer: Because it just seems strange that someone would pair up something that’s full of holes and something that isn’t. I mean, unless you’re making a sandwich that is…
Swiss cheese: You can use Internet Explorer in a sandwich? What’s that like?
Internet Explorer: …
Swiss cheese: Oh. That was a joke. I’m the thing full of holes. Oh right. Ha ha. Very funny. Look in the mirror, smart-ass.
Internet Explorer: Not my fault.
Swiss cheese: Not mine either, Hüüsli.

Hmm… I’m not sure where I was going with that.

Smited… smited… oh right! Smited!

Well, anyway I was talking with a friend last night about names of God, and even though I’m a Distorted Jew with a bit of atheism (I’ll explain later), some of the names of God are actually quite humourous and others would make great band names.

I’ll start backwards (because I’m a backwards-sorta-guy) and select the ones I like:

  • Word: Yo! Word! Sup, word! Actually, this one has me kinda baffled. If the passage is something like “the word of God,” and “word” is another name for “God”, isn’t it a bit ridiculous to say “the God of God,” sort of like people who say “ATM machine” which actually translates to “automatic teller machine machine”…
  • The Vine: I wonder what The Vines would think if they realised they were actually competing with God… No wonder their last album sucked: they were fearing getting smited!
  • Unspeakable Gift: Damn, now doesn’t that sound like a heavy metal band.
  • Sure Foundation: This not only sounds like an alternative band, but a cement product.
  • Stone: I’m not sure if I even want to go to this one. I imagine people getting stoned can say that they’re just trying to find God through pot.
  • Servant of rulers: How can you be a “servant of rulers” if you are the ruler? Okay, maybe I’m interpreting this differently. Maybe Christianity is built upon a secret society of talking [url=http://www.woodrow.net/Images/ThumbNail/1230A.jpg]rulers[/url] who command a deity to do their bidding…
    [b]Shepherd and Overseer of souls:[/b] This one just needs a bit of capitalisation and an article “the” to work. [i]And introducing, the newest rock band.. Shepherd and the Overseer of Souls!!![/i]
    [b]The Second Man:[/b] This sounds more like a movie title, honestly. Who is this Second Man? What does he do? Why is he here? Will he order nachos instead of a hot dog?
    [b]The Redeemer:[/b] Ok, this sounds more like a weapon name. In fact, it is a weapon name (Unreal Tournament). Still, it sounds more like a massive gauntlet someone would wave around and threaten people with. Large urinary puddles would be the result.
    [b]Precious Cornerstone:[/b] This one seems to evoke Golum from Lord Of The Rings, but this time he’s dressed like a priest and walking around going “Have you seen my precious? My Precious Cornerstone! You must see him! But you can’t have him! You can’t!”
    [b]The Living Bread:[/b] If you want to create the first Christian punk-rockabilly band, then you’d surely have to compete with [url=http://www.thelivingend.com/]The Living End[/url]… and what better way to do that than to becoming The Living Bread!

There’s a whole bunch of these, and I’ve just picked ones that appeal to me. Still, interesting names.
I’m [url=http://www.biblestudy.org/question/namesofgod.html]getting them from this page[/url], and if you’re interested, they also have the passages the names came from.

Being that I’m not one who actually believes in any of the possibilities of the current recognised understanding of God (I believe the Greeks would have been the closest), it’s still quite interesting to see such a wide range of names used for something… anything…

I’m not actually on God’s level… I mean, hell, I’m writing a blog not a Bible (then again, he didn’t write that either did he?)… but if you can think of any names that I can be known as — and not specifically names that are used in connection with God either — than leave a comment and let’s see if I can strike fear into the hearts of all square people.

The Nutjob of [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gauge_%28porn_star%29]Gauge[/url].

The Swiss Cheese of Death!!!