All posts in Sex

The funniest guy in… St. Leonards.

I wonder if this will be a problem for me long term: this whole need to make people smile.

Take what happened to me only a few days ago…

I was in bed with a gorgeous girl, we'll call her S for the moment. S is as sexy and sensuous as the letter S could provide. She has soft skin, seductive strands of black hair, supple lips, and a sexual tenacity that I can only hope other girls have too. S is incredible in case I didn't give that impression off in the first place.

But while I should have probably been kissing, licking and getting all freaky all up inside of her one August morning, I was instead making her laugh.

Hysterically. (And I'll be making ya'll laugh hysterically with the same thing hopefully soon as I'm working on it.)

But the thing I'm troubled about is this:

Should I have been making S laugh so much that her face created a new shade of red and ran out of air when I could have been, you know, actually having sex?

I wonder if this is going to become a problem for me. You know, getting to know a girl and then getting down to do something sexy but screwing it all up by causing ridiculous amounts of laughter because that's what my personality is.

I mean I know that rambunctious laughter will be the likely result when my mouth isn't full of tongue and is given the opportunity to wriggle around and actually speak, but is it beneficial to be able to make a girl laugh when you're both in bed and probably could be fucking.

I guess it then leads that line to this question:

Can laughter be better than sex?

And that's something I don't know… I just don't know.

Describing Sex

For those that know me, you know I'm a typically cynical, arrogant, dark, comical, and altogether fucked up individual.

I just thought I'd inform you all that none of that has changed.

What has changed is that I am now more positive… and there is a reason why.

It's called "having sex".

And you might go "oh that's nothing new, I get sex all the time. It's no big deal to me."

Well it is a big deal to me. It shouldn't be but it is.

And now that someone (who just so happens to be incredibly sexy) has had that sex with me… I AM FEELING FUCKING AMAZING.

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The Moral Write

It appears that The Moral Right groups or group or random individual with a coat-hanger lodged firmly in their ass are back to their old tricks again… terrorizing local video stores with a black felt tipped marker.

Yes, it's horrifying stuff. Isn't it dreadful to know that in a world filled with hate, anger, and Fergie songs (which tend to provoke even more hate & anger), there's some random wacko with a black pen making sure that you all feel his pent up Bible bashing rage in all its Jesus juicing… jizziness… sorry, I'm out of j words.

Jug.

Jug is all I have right now.

In any case, I saw this in the adult section of my local video store while I was looking to rent a DVD… and before you ask, no I wasn't looking for a nice adult title to go home and molest myself to.

If my mother knew that I was looking at the adult section, she probably wouldn't care.

If I knew I was looking at it, I'd probably beat myself into oblivion. Me rent porn? Shit, I haven't done that since I was 15 or so. And that's not even porn. That's got about as much pornographic as a nature film, less even. R-rated porn lacks the important things like explicit vaginas and the all-important cum shot.

Shit, if my mother knew what I was doing, she'd probably be ashamed at me for renting something so… tame. Blech.

Which is why it got worse when I turned the box over to see what was on the other side.

Jesus weeps for me? I highly doubt it. 

Shouldn't Jesus be weeping for the lack of any real substance in those videos? I thought Jesus was a man of substance, of truth, and of praise. There's no substance or truth in those crappy-ass R-rated video store pornos, and without either substance or truth, it really lacks any need for praise. Unless you have praise for the easiest way to get pissed at not having a cum shot. Which I don't praise.

No, I think Jesus weeps for the fact that he's stuck in a section that thinks Atonement is porn.

Seriously, I want to see Keira Knightley naked and in a compromising situation (and by compromising, I mean intimate as all hell) as much as the next guy (and by next guy, I mean Jeremy Clarkson) but Atonement is not porn.

Sadly.

I did ask the guy from the video store if he knew that was there and he said yes and how funny it was. They're not taking it down because it's funny.

I certainly think it is. Hell, I got a laugh out of it when I saw it hence why I took a couple of photos. 😛 

 

People with style. Maybe.

It's a quarter to eight in the morning on my day off and I'm sitting in a bus in a line of cars heading into the city.

It's a cold day. Everyone is bundled up and wearing something warm; not a t-shirt in sight.

It's my day off and I'm up early.  I didn't even want the full day off though, merely the morning.

As I sit in a queue that barely moves, I curl my toes up in the thick cotton socks keeping the coldest parts of me warm.

I'm on my way to support Bowie at RAFW. He's invited me out every year since I've started working for him, but until now I've always had something else to do. Ironically, I would have had an interview to do but I've decided to make this a priority.

I've never attended a fashion show before. I hope I don't fall asleep.

"Just look at the hot model girls," my brain tells me. "Then you'll be fine."

 

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Trivial In Comparison

Occasionally I buy things with the expressed intention of showing them on my blog to the twenty or thirty people that frequent it.

This is one of those times.

Anyone who reads my blog would have picked up that with my lack of luck in the lust department, I probably wouldn't get to use these until they're damn near expired.

That not withstanding, if you're about to use an Ansell condom for a sexual activity (as opposed to using them as a replacement for chewing gum), "FREE HUGS" is pretty trivial in comparison.