By the time you’ve read this, Dreamhost should’ve redirected Leighlo.com to some new space at a different server NOT the one we use at home. That one is on its last legs.

Just to let you know… I’m not dead.

You wish.

I’m tired, but not dead.

I have a whole bunch of topics I plan to write about tonight and tomorrow because a whole bunch of crap has happened in the world I feel like making comments on, and since this is my blog, forget event attempting to try and stop me.

I won’t listen. I’m a stubborn little wanker. Emphasis on the wanker. Note on that, if you’re single and female…

Never mind that!

Err… umm… I’ll writer something later.

The anatomy of a girl

I was looking at one of my MySpace Friends’ blogs (MySpace Friend is a stupid term… I’d take “blog buddy” over it) and she was talking about Beyonce and how good of a singer and actress and how hot she was. So one of [url=http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=52161106&blogID=181821586&MyToken=448130bf-2099-40f4-9483-01f285700cb6]her blog buddies said “She has a body like a melted down snickers”[/url] which prompts my brain to come up with the following:

If a woman is just a melted down chocolate bar, then that explains the lumps on her chest!

The lumps are actually just bits of chocolate, nuts, caramel, or nougat, depending on what chocolate bar you’re eating.

It also explains why I have a burning desire to nibble on breasts. It isn’t the intimacy that’s making me want to devour them, but rather that my Spidey sense is tingling to tell me where the closest amount of chewy and chocolatey globule of sheer delight is waiting for me to jump right in!

It is, however, a curious thing that without this knowledge that a girls breasts might actually contain nuts in it because it is usually only a man’s fantasy to get nuts anywhere near a girl’s pair of breasts. It would be, in that case, his nuts… but it’s still a nut-ologist’s dream regardless of the nut in question.

Unless of course it’s The Nutjob of Gauge.

Okay, we’ve been through this, I know. The Nutjob of Gauge is little more than a fantasy, much like most men bringing their nuts anywhere in close proximity to a girl’s breasts.

Still, a combination of The Nutjob of Gauge and a melted down Sexy Snickers Shag Slut might be just the thing that the doctor ordered.

This doctor would then lose his job for even advocating such a bizarre measure for getting rid of the cold. I must get their number!

Crikey! It’s Halloween!

Crack open the bottles of scalding hot oil and open the doors to all the kiddies, it’s time for a barbecue!!![b]– err… what I mean to say is that it’s Halloween… so just replace the scalding hot oil with sweets and lollies and other random crap[/b].

[url=https://www.leighlo.com/spore/index.php?gallery=./Art-Experimentation/2005-11-28-Rat&image=DSC_7911-C.jpg]Dead rats.[/url] [url=https://www.leighlo.com/spore/index.php?gallery=./Art-Experimentation/2006-10-31-VivaldiDragonfly]Dragonflies with popped eyes.[/url] [url=http://www.enotes.com/shakespeare-quotes/eye-newt-toe-frog]Eye of newt.[/url] Do kids like that sort of thing these days?

Anyway, by the time this post goes online, it’ll be Halloween in America, but not Australia. We’ve already had our Halloween, which technically isn’t ours since it’s not exactly an Aussie custom… rather a fun bastardised American custom we use to pretend we’re cool.

Or something.

Still, it’s a good idea to have a day that’s recognised where you’re allowed to dress up and not be considered a dickhead.

Not unless you [url=http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger2/643/1099/1600/csmack-stevecostume.jpg]look like Steve Irwin.[/url]
[url=http://www.theage.com.au/news/people/irwin-costume-sparks-fury/2006/10/31/1162056961321.html]A lot of people[/url] seem to think that Bill Maher is a dickhead for dressing as he did. Hell, there’s [url=http://celebritysmack.blogspot.com/2006/10/you-knew-this-was-coming.html]even blog entries[/url] about it. [url=http://featuresblogs.chicagotribune.com/entertainment_popmachine/2006/10/is_the_costume_.html]Blog entries![/url] Well if it’s written in a blog, it must be important!
There seems to be [url=http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,20867,20675221-1702,00.html]a fair bit of outrage[/url] about this. It’s a joke.

Bill Maher: you took a joke from South Park and made it into a brilliant costume.

Is it too early? To some people, I’d say yes. To the Irwin’s? More than bloody likely.

But to random ol’ you or me… seriously, you have no idea how over the Steve Irwin issue I am. Between having my “news” being bombarded with stories about Steve, Terri, and Bindi, I just can’t seem to escape.

He was a hero to many, but to me he was an entertainer… so why the fuck do I have to constantly hear about him all the time?

No offense, but this is bordering insanity how often there’s a story on an update on Bindi. This isn’t about insensitivity. What about the other people in the world who lose a loved one? Where’s their updates?

And seriously, when is the right time to make a costume about this sort of stuff. [url=http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/200609/s1732439.htm]Steve Irwin died[/url] two months from Halloween, and while Halloween might be about scaring the shit out of random children (and then giving them things that scare the shit out of dentists), how many people do you know and see that will dress up as someone who’s used in a political, social, or celebrity-sense on Halloween?

Seriously, people who have problems with Bill… get over it. It was a great costume and joke for those of us who like that sort of humour.

Sure, I’m a sick fuck and I’ve got one messed up sense of humour. Doesn’t mean he is too… even though I’d suspect that he is. That’s not an insult, by the way. I’d hate to have a set of morals that restricts me from laughing when something actually is funny. [i]Oh no, we can’t laugh because it’s too soon or it’s not nice to people or something like that.[/i] That’s bullshit.

And while I’m here, kudos to the guys at South Park for coming up with a [url=http://www.smh.com.au/news/tv–radio/south-parks-irwin-show-bad-taste/2006/10/27/1161749301655.html]Halloween based show[/url] featuring a [url=http://www.pistolwimp.com/media/52990/]brilliant line with Steve Irwin[/url] and a means to inspire a costume (I’m guessing here. While I don’t doubt that Bill Maher is a bloody funny guy, I have a feeling his costume was provoked by the South Park episode).

It seems to be a Steve Irwin-sorta-week, actually. A lot of [url=http://www.smh.com.au/news/music/why-i-used-irwin-rapper/2006/10/26/1161749225132.html]Steve Irwin in the news[/url] lately. Mind you, there hasn’t been all that big a nudge to get The Irwin family out of the spotlight for news items since the tragic event. And yeah, I say tragic because it was a tragedy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not insensitive to the point of lunacy at all. I recognise that it’s a terrible thing to have happen to anyone… but I’m just a little sick of hearing about it.

I mean seriously… did the French get all whiny when Jacques Costeau died? I mean, hell… he practically invented the genre that Steve Irwin helped to get more people into.

Lachlan’s a drunk.

I found a use for “You’ll Love Coles”‘s Diet Cola.

I mean, yeah, you’ll still hate “‘You’ll Love Coles”‘s Diet Cola, and you’ll probably hate every other variant from the “You’ll Love Coles” brand of drinks. In fact, the assertion that you’ll love them because of their “You’ll Love Coles” brand of products might just make you hate Coles permanently.

But regardless, I found out what could be the only way that Lachlan is enjoying that “awesome taste” that Coles’ budget Diet Cola.

Yes, it tastes more like ass, but obviously you’re very unlikely to buy cola branded “RimJob Cola” (okay, maybe you might… it’s bound to taste better than [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R.C._Cola]RC Cola…[/url]) likewise are you likely to drink this stuff by itself.

Unless you’re my Dad.

(He says it’s not [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pepsi_Samba]as bad as Pepsi Samba[/url]. I’m not too sure. It’s pretty fucking bad.)

Still, I digress.

What you need to do to make Coles’ Diet-Ass Cola is… mix it with [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malibu_Rum]Malibu![/url]

Yes, that’s right! It’s so simple!

You need a 30 dollar product to make a 99 cent product taste better, and you get an added bonus of getting drunk FREE!
We’re actually having a Wiki-fest with all of those links and references, but before I go nuts and link you to another Wiki in case you don’t know what something is, I’m going to say how I came to this recipe…

You see, I was talking about alcohol with a friend of mine — Iva — over the phone… and while I was pulling out the Absinthe and trying to find out what liquor I had left, I took a gander and saw that I had Malibu.

I’m lying here. I know I have Malibu. I rarely drink the stuff.

Still, I’ve always liked Malibu and Diet Coke, so I figured… what the fuck. It’s not like I’ve got anything left to lose.

The last time I swapped spit with Lachlan’s “awesome taste” Diet Cola, I’m pretty sure I singed half of my flavour nodules on my tongue, so it’s not as if I was wasting anything.

Regardless, it’s not bad. It’s acceptable if you’re a cheap drunk.

And by cheap, I of course mean cheap enough to spend 30 bucks on white rum flavoured with coconut and 99 cents on awful cola.

Why you’d do this? Buggered if I know. I only offer the recipe.

Will Lachlan be the next Jamie Oliver? God I hope not.

The Nutjob of Gauge

Many of you wrote in and asked me what exactly “The Nutjob of Gauge” was.


I lied.

No one wrote in and asked me.

I got a “?” from Pedso (whose blog — which rarely gets updated — is linked in the right-hand column) and even I couldn’t explain it.

But I’m going to try.

Gauge is porn star, which probably suggests that she’s accustomed to getting a lot of cock shoved down her throat. Now, whether or not her throat & gullet have actually stretched themselves to become the width of my fist, I’ll never know (not unless you’re reading this, sweet Gauge, and you feel a trip is worth it to come to the land down under to show me or prove me or… something…).
However, because of her cock-sucking antics, it’s probably safe to say that she’s used to getting [url=http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=teabag]tea-bagged[/url] or at least nibbles on those nuts every once in a while, I while I’m ranting and rambling on and on and not really having a clue what the hell I’m supposed to be on about and probably missing every point that flies over my head, I guess “The Nutjob of Gauge” is probably more a secret desire to have Gauge gobble on my nuts than anything else.

I imagine I would be “The Nutjob of Gauge” if Gauge did in fact choke down these balls.

So I’m probably not “The Nutjob of Gauge”.

In fact, right now I’m probably more “The Tugjob of Self” than anything else.