Describing Sex

For those that know me, you know I'm a typically cynical, arrogant, dark, comical, and altogether fucked up individual.

I just thought I'd inform you all that none of that has changed.

What has changed is that I am now more positive… and there is a reason why.

It's called "having sex".

And you might go "oh that's nothing new, I get sex all the time. It's no big deal to me."

Well it is a big deal to me. It shouldn't be but it is.

And now that someone (who just so happens to be incredibly sexy) has had that sex with me… I AM FEELING FUCKING AMAZING.

I could take over the fucking world for all I care. Okay, not that amazing, but I am feeling fucking stupendous. Stupendous isn't a word I use often and the sex happened over a week ago but the lasting effects of the intimate action really do help you.

It's better than medicine. There is no single psychological drug that could have the lasting effect that getting laid has on you.

There is something altogether brilliant about being with someone. I'm not sure whether what I had was fucking or making love but I loved it. I loved every second, minute, thought and moment because as far as I could see it was sheer and utter bliss.

I fucking loved it.

Now here's the part where you go "well duh" and I respond with "wait, wait just hold on."

I have had sex in the past. It's never been this good though.

I felt like I was part of the action and not just being used because I had a dick and the person needed to get off, what it was seemingly like in the past. We were working together, we were having fun together. It was warm and sensual and fucking incredible and I wish I could express it into words but you're just going to have to take my fake orgasm for a while and imagine it without the "Made In Taiwan" at the end of it because it was fucking brilliant.

There is no real description for how brilliant sex is.

It is what it is and if you've ever had bad sex, you feel damaged, dirty, pointless, used, and in my case confused.

But when you have amazing sex, when you have hip thrusting, knee trembling, body shaking, incredible sex you realise that there is no easy way to say what sex is.

And you also realise just how spot on people are when they say "you really need to get laid".

There's one other thing.

Sex is infectious.

You might not want to hear this from me and if so avert your eyes because if you have this picture of me in your head as an innocent little tech journalist, it's about to turn nasty:

I think I might be addicted to the smell and the taste of sex.

Sex must be a delicacy. It has its own flavour, its own subtle varieties of nose. If sex were a wine it would be a complicated aroma of spice, warmth, fruit, oak, berries, nutmeg, hard, fast, soft, caring, thrust, lick, kiss, tease, touch, love, suck, and bite. It would be the hardest thing in the world to classify because it would make no sense and absolute sense all at the same time.

And because of that it would score a one hundred percent gold-freakin-star at every bloody wine award.

And it would be brilliant.

And I would still be addicted because once you have that flavour and fragrance stuck in your head, it doesn't move. It seriously just doesn't budge.


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    Pleasure to be of service

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    I’m sorry you felt like that the first time.. Sigh.. cant believe you got over me so quickly!

  • Reply


    Oh shut up Ross.

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