A few weeks ago, my brother Michael told me that Gloria Jeans (*cough*Hillsong-Gloria-Jeans*cough*) had a Green Tea milkshake-y sort of drink available much like Starbucks have had for quite some time.
Me being so enamoured of the green tea drinks, I today decided to try it.
And boy… I wish I hadn’t.
You see, Gloria Jeans has a bit of Hillsong ownership running through it’s family tree, and me being a sadistic fuck-of-a-Jew, I actually kinda refuse to buy from Gloria Jeans normally as a result. I don’t have a problem with Christians. It’s not my religion, but really what is for me. I do have a problem with which the way Hillsong presents itself and tries to spread its “love” and “message”… in that it’s really just more like evangelism on a McDonald’s sort of level.
Regardless (and without taking my blog into an evil look at corporate religions), Gloria Jeans also happens to make bad drinks. They’re usually a lot weaker than their main competition Starbucks, and usually way behind in getting them out there.
I mean, shit, we’re really talking about the McDonald’s of coffee shops here as neither Starbucks nor Gloria Jeans are “real” coffee shops in any sense of the word “real”, barring that of the notion that they sell “coffee”.
Still…
“I’ll have a Regular Green Tea Chiller,” I said to the girl who looked like she was from the Philippines.
“That’ll be $5.20,” she said as she opened up her hand and I gave her a ten dollar note.
I was at a Gloria Jeans in the Borders in Bondi Junction. I’d already tried to go to the one near the pet store only a few metres away in the same complex, but they were closing up and I couldn’t order from them.
I should’ve realised then that that was a warning sign from the great God of beverages to not proceed further with this attempt at ordering a Gloria Jeans beverage. But I failed to heed that sign from the heavens and ventured forward to Borders where I ordered one.
And if presentation is everything, Gloria Jeans gets an F for “Futile Fuck-ups that Frankly can’t Fucking make a Frappuccino”.
Seriously. I pay five-friggin-bucks and twenty cents and they can’t even give me a lid. I have a cup with green drink and whipped cream and their staff is too freakin’ incompetent to know what a domed lid is so I can walk out of the store and not have icy green liquid flow down my fingertips.
I only hope that no one in the Borders slips on the drops of green sludge that dribbled onto their tiled floor as I left.
So let’s talk about taste…
[img]https://www.leighlo.com/uploads/random/2007/03-HillsongGreenTea-01.jpg[/img]
[i]Ewww…[/i]
Bugger. I can’t. This drink had none. Five bucks twenty for a green coloured drink with no taste.
What about texture?
Even less. It was like drinking green Moove.
I imagine that a “chiller” is the competition for a Starbucks Frappuccino, and a Frappuccino has an icy texture to it. This had none. It was seriously green-blended milk with whipped cream on top.
Okay, so there was a bit of flavour, but it resembled what might happen if someone took [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matcha]Matcha (green tea powder)[/url] and mixed it in ridiculously small quantities without having a clue how to make something with flavour. Sure, there was a hint of the green tea flavour, but it was soiled with blandness from not having anything — sugar or otherwise — to bounce off of or even counteract with. It was — by and large — a useless drink.
Like drinking milky with no flavour. Milk that was water. Water that you’d paid five bucks twenty for that was supposed to end up like green-fucking-tea!
And what’s with the cream?!?!
Cream actually does have flavour… well… normally, anyway. The cream at Hillsong Gloria Jeans looks, feels, and tastes more like they’ve sucked the fat out of one of the Bible-bashing God-fearing money-grubbing executives who sit on the Hillsong board and then churned it into the gelatinous lardy jizz thickness goo that they call cream.
It’s just… disgusting. It isn’t cream… it’s the representation of the Freudian understanding of what God’s semen looks like.
If Gloria Jeans is Hillsong connected then it stands to reason that there’s a little bit of Jesus inside every cup.
If there was a little bit of Jesus inside my cup, I must’ve gotten the bit of Jesus that had no flavour… like his spleen or something…
You may not have received a lid because its self serve. There is a section of the condiments bar that holds lids, spoons, napkins, etc.
Gloria Jeans is not crap they make very good drink and their avarge service time is 2:38 in my local town the staff are friendly and prices are good , and what is ur fucking problem with christains , i am not regleous my self but with ur atteuide no wonder everyone hates jews u rude complaing twat , anways i thougth i would just prove u wrong and that Gloria Jeans is far better than starbucks and Gloria Jeans do not make bad drinks just maybe that one u drank was made badley , so in less u have tried serval drinks at servral places like me then shut the fuck up !