So Coles are advertising this week that their Coles Cola, Diet Cola, and Lemonade are 99 cents for 2 litres.
Seems fair, right?
Well, I bought a bottle of their Diet Cola with the specific intention of using it to clean some coins that had been gathering evil gunk in the kitchen for years. Right now, in fact, the sheer mutant powers of carbonated-and-caramel-colouring-rich Coles Diet Cola is eating away at the nasty crap that had created a civilisation on about three bucks worth of 5 cent coins.
I’m committing several counts of genocide right now and I don’t have to do a thing!
Anyway, an hour or two later, I opted to try some of this Diet Cola.
It smells kind of like Diet Pepsi… but don’t be misled… [b]this stuff is foul.[/b]
It’d almost be fowl, except that would be an insult to every chicken and turkey and poultry-lover out there, and I’d be best not insulting poultry-fuckers right about now, especially when I ate chicken last night. They might track me down and do shit to my chickens.
Still, this stuff is bad. Terrible seems to kind of a word for this junk, and yet Coles seem avid about selling it.
More so, they seem compelled to brand it in such a way that almost seems inhumane.
Either the brand is called “You’ll love Coles” (followed by the model number, in this case Diet Cola) or the brand is “Coles” with some sort of cruel joke being played as a form of observational commentary.
I’m more likely to suggest that after tasting this stuff — which borders on being as bad if not worse than that United Nations war crimes atrocity that was Pepsi Samba — that the Coles marketing executive in charge decided that instead of telling you how you’ll feel after trying it, decided that it would be better as a brand name. They did this after spitting it out onto the closest blond secretary whose skin melted off from the sheer acid volume that is “You’ll love Coles” Diet Cola.
And then, as if it’s not bad enough to have suggested what you will like, they go on to give you this:
Yup. That says “Awesome taste, no sugar” by some guy named Lachlan who’s apparently a surfer.
Seriously… WHO IN THE HELL IS LACHLAN? And why do I care?
Why is some dickhead name Lachlan going to make me buy Cola? What… you couldn’t get some Australia sports star who hasn’t had a game or match in years to put his or her name on the bottle and say something mundane like “This stuff tastes great!”
I mean hell, you’d be lying there too… what’s the problem?
You may as well say “Awesome taste, no sugar” by Larry, accounting. If you have a Larry that is. Or a Bill. Or a someone, because the use of a random named Lachlan is about as effective as that.
I actually had to go back to Coles today to get some meat and I checked the other Coles branded drinks to see what sort of quotes they had on them. Lachlan was used again on the regular cola where he said something pointless to the drink’s flavour and on another one was another dickhead who if I remember correctly was named Stuart and was a beach cricketer. A beach cricketer?! Fuck off, Coles.
The orange drink was “tangy & energizing”.