It’s not real. And yet it is.

This new bit on my blog is like a bandage, alcohol swab, and a coagulant to stop me from bleeding excess pages into my system.

In any case, this week I found…

“Kind Of Bloop” is an interesting project about making jazz from the 8-bit digital form that made the sounds from Nintendo’s early games so… well… existent.

If the art doesn’t grab you, you don’t know your music or your video games.

And if that’s the case, well… go play some Mario while listening to Miles.

This week, my Guitar Hero 3 controller decided to not strum down. How nice for it! How freakin’ nice of it to not function the way it’s supposed to!!!

You know what? I blame Activision.

Mind you, blaming them doesn’t get me anything. My Les Paul video game axe is still broken.

Regardless, here’s a site that tells you how to fix it.

Plus Kevin Smith explains how he didn’t get to do the Superman movie, a building decided to not be found, this Australian winery rocks, why I might start drinking a ridiculous amount of white tea even if it ends up tasting like nothing, how you can read the New York Times on your computer, and that Four Corners story everyone was talking about this week.

To whom do I issue the medical bill at Activision?

Really, that's the question I have to ask because after playing it for only a couple of days, my wrist is killing me more than what four to five hours of straight masturbation would cause. Seriously, I can barely flex or ball up my pinky finger on my left hand without feeling a pinch in my wrist.

So, to whom do I issue the medical bill at Activision?

It's an odd situation when you have a game that doesn't accomplish much more than a slightly intriguing vertical sensation when you look back from the screen and a sore arm. I'm not used to games that don't actually warn about injury when they should.

Guitar Hero 3: Legends of Rock is one such title.

Play in front of a crowd of sprites that will tell you if you're crap or not! Yeah! Just like real life!

I should say that prior to this review, I'd only briefly played Guitar Hero 2 at my brothers' and Guitar Hero 3 even more briefly when I was showing my boss how to play it so he could show people on the Today Show recently. So it's safe to say that my experience with Red Octane / Neversoft (games based off of Konami) games is pretty limited.

But from now on, I have this feeling I'll keep it limited because really…

I have no idea how someone finds this game fun.

Sure, the concept is great. A rhythm game where you're given a guitar to muck around with. Hey, it's like Dance Dance Revolution without the dancing bit.

Yes, you biff macho men! You're playing Dance Dance Revolution like all of those people you used to call retards at the local arcade jumping and bouncing their arses off while you watched the jubblies and went "wankers", your erection stifled by your empty words.

What you're doing here? Same thing, except you're less likely to lose weight from it.

After looking at GH2 and GH3, you can easily say that the presentation has been cleaned up nicely. There's now an actual look and the text doesn't look like it's been added by a four year old who suddenly realised his nose was a goldmine of fun and he should do something about it.

Guitar Hero 3 has been a look and a style that works with it. Blending that Gorillaz look with your stereotypical rock feel works well in the game even though some of the characters look like they'd probably do better in DDR than GH3.

The sound too is excellent and while many of the songs aren't to my taste (some are), the sound quality is all pretty high up there with only the niggles appearing in background noises.

It's the gameplay that I take issue with because really…

…it's just not fun.

If colours, buttons, and girls are your sort of thing, how about the United Colours of Benetton instead?

No, really, I tried to enjoy this game. I got through it and even started playing it on medium mode and while I could see that it was addictive, it just wasn't fun. Dance Dance Revolution has you jumping all over the place and it's this Simon-like play of DDR combined with how often you're jumping around like a speed-induced version of Twister taking place on the moon that really brigs a smile to people's faces.

Likewise Elite Beat Agents: you're tapping all over the place with frantic rhythms to songs that work well with the medium. It's a load of fun and just as addictive.

But Guitar Hero 3? It's just not that fun.

Once you start realising that you're not really accomplishing anything but you're still stuck playing, the game begins to lose momentum.

It gets worse when you realise that songs you might actually play in real life are just downright boring here. Case in point: Matchbook Romance's "Monsters". I play that in real life on my bass. I love playing it. I always have. But in this game… it's just so bloody boring. There's no bounce or fun; it's just pattern after pattern and that gets tired quickly.

Even Elite Beat Agents started screwing with the patterns you were doing pretty quickly into the second and third choruses. What does Guitar Hero 3 do? Piss all.

And what the hell is with this "Legends of Rock" moniker you've gone for?

There's the dude from Rage Against The Machine… he's not a legend. He's good, great… but not a legend. And there's Slash… okay, he's legendary but that's it. There's Satan… but he's mythical depending on your standpoint, and the only thing that Satan's character does in this that's legendary is piss you off and give you the sore wrist.

Levels like this are the reason that it hurts to type this caption right now.

Really, masturbation is more fun than this. Although that said, masturbation is more fun than a lot of things.

The reason I make the connection with "masturbation" is that at least in masturbation, you're enjoying yourself and accomplishing something while possibly making your wrist hurt. In Guitar Hero 3, satisfaction just doesn't exist. Not even The Rolling Stones' "Satisfaction".

I think I'll go back to playing bass. At least that's fun (for me) and doesn't cause RSI. 

If you haven't played one of these games, go out and do so now. 

Seriously, this is the good shit… and it's taken me around 2 days to write this post… so like it… or don't… really, it's your call.

Now can you guess which game will be my top game of the year before you click the jump?
 

10. Eternal Sonata (Xbox 360)
I seriously didn't expect a game like this. I mean sure, it's normal to find the hordes of Japanese RPG's (J-RPG) get in under the radar and make their mark on society like so many have done before it. There's Phantasy Star and Final Fantasy and ChronoTrigger and Secret of… you get the point.

But Eternal Sonata was different. It wasn't strange & alien like they so commonly are. It was to a degree, but it didn't take you too far from your home world of Earth.

It took you back in time to a dying composer by the name of Chopin. Ever heard of him? If you're not an axe wielding Guitar Hero freak who only loves the eighties and thinks the rest of us can just die well then maybe you might have heard of Chopin. If you are that guitar freak, get a hair cut and stop wearing tank tops: the eighties are over.

Hey there chipmunk… do you maybe wanna come back to my place? I've got some nuts you can munch on…

Regardless, Eternal Sonata takes place in the mind of a dying Chopin meaning everything you see is an illusion. The story, the characters, the magic… it's all fake. That starts to push out continuity error and logic error pretty quickly as you might start to wonder that… wait… if I'm in the mind of a dying Chopin… and I — as Chopin — are aware that I'm in my mind… why the hell do I have to start at level 1 and work my way up?!

The answer is simple: best not to think about the stupid story and appreciate the RPG for what it is, a work of art. Really, that's what Eternal Sonata is. Art. No video game has managed to get the anime style so perfect like this before. Made in an entirely 3D world, you can see shades of Miyazaki with backgrounds, characters, and textures all retaining the look of a brilliantly crafted piece of theatrical anime. The sound too gets the same brilliant treatment with excellent music and a wonderful Japanese dialog soundtrack. I advise people use the Japanese soundtrack with English subtitles anyway as it's a hell of a lot better than the pointlessly acted and language converted English vocal track which kind of makes you feel you're engaged in a cheesy love affair with a blow-up doll named Fred who's not very happy to be there.

Don't mind us. We're just going to stand in a row as we kick your ass.

While the fighting sequences all sort of resemble your typical "hey, we're all standing in a row for no apparent reason" J-RPG combat scene, at least you can run over to which ever enemy you want and smash and bash until your heart is content… or at least your combat metre runs out… whichever happens first.

Eternal Sonata could be likened to a lot of games out there. You could say it's like Blue Dragon or Final Fantasy or any other long winded role-playing game with ridiculous amounts of long narratives that requires naps in the middle. But there's one thing that it does better than any of them: it represents the art of anime by looking like an anime and for that, it's well worth a play through for any geek… even you. 

With landscapes like this, I'm sure even Miyazaki would be proud.

9. The Simpsons Game (Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, PlayStation 2, PlayStation Portable, Nintendo Wii, Nintendo DS)
The Simpsons have been around a while and as such they've probably been one of the franchises that have seen more games than… well… God, really (go on Sid Meier, make a comment… I dare you). I can still remember pumping money into the arcade game The Simpsons that let you play as everyone but Maggie and let four people take on Springfield as you battled to get back Marge's baby girl. 

I should say that there have been a lot of lousy Simpsons titles. Almost every one was crap, in fact. I think I've liked that original arcade game and Hit & Run which was really nothing more than a GTA clone set in The Simpsons universe.

But now, EA have come along and changed all that. You see… EA have made a Simpsons game into something that really respects the license it comes from.

Taking place in Springfield, The Simpsons Game is a game that pokes fun at itself. Much like how The Simpsons have poked fun at the real world and pop culture for years, The Simpsons Game parodies itself, Electronic Arts (its creator and publisher) and the video game industry brilliant. As a result, it's absolutely loaded with in-jokes from many, many games and even has God-game legend Sid Meier (as mentioned earlier) as one of the bad guys.

 
Making fun of video game hating douchebag "lawyer" Jack Thompson really is a lot of fun! Even EA know it!

Voiced by the original cast and scripted by some of the people responsible for what The Simpsons is putting on TV right now, there's a ton of new animated sequences with even more in-jokes for the fans of The Simpsons. And let's face it, who isn't a fan? Who seriously doesn't remember the infamous rake scene with Sideshow Bob…

One of the most brilliant things about The Simpsons Game is how it is over the various platforms. At its heart, The Simpsons Game is little more than a basic 3D platformer that you can finish easily in a day and has a  relatively decent amount of replay value if you want to find every nook & cranny or explore Springfield. But what EA have also done is make it available across the other platforms and while they don't change drastically on systems that use basic stick-button controls like the PlayStation and Xbox consoles, the way you play the game changes on the Nintendo systems to make use of the innovative control systems. 

Animated sequences are a treat in this game. Can you see all the in-jokes in this scene? Old video games from past episodes in the posters on the wall as well as a failed Nintendo system poster on the counter…

Take the Nintendo DS version which has you using the touchscreen more often than most stock-standard conversions would have dreamed of. You still have some of the animations though they are cut down and seem rendered differently, but the game experience you get is similar and as enjoyable as thos
e same high end consoles. You even get a virtual pet Homer in the Nintendo DS edition complete with heart paddles to save him in case you feed him too much fatty foods!

All in all, EA have created a gem. While The Simpsons Movie was more or less uninspiring, The Simpsons Game makes up for it and gives you your daily dose of The Simpsons in a slightly more interactive sense. 

 
Now you too can bring The Simpsons everywhere you go… what else could you want?

8. Orcs & Elves (Nintendo DS)
As I was going through this list and deciding what to put on, I found myself having a lot of trouble deciding. There were a lot of good titles this year. Some seriously excellent developments. If you've only just been brought into existence as far as gaming is concerned, you've had a brilliant year.

And if you owned a Nintendo DS and you haven't looked at the superb Orcs & Elves yet, run — don't walk — to your nearest video game retailer and ask for a copy. And then pay for it, because this game is worth it.

You know you might be looking at a piece of art when you realise that Orcs & Elves is created by gaming genius John Carmack, one of the legends behind iD Software. Oh, and then you see that well duh… Orcs & Elves is made by iD anyway!

Orcs & Elves is actually very similar to the old school role-playing games of yesteryear. You follow along dungeons with the aim of completing a quest… a quest of great magnitude… by order of the talking wand!

I will slap you all over the floor with my wand! Err… that wasn't a sex joke, either…

Yeah, okay, it's a bit of a strange story. But hey, you can get drunk with dwarf creatures and such! And who doesn't like getting drunk and doing evil deeds on a console that Nintendo have tried to stop all bad deeds on!

Seriously, I can't really explain why Orcs & Elves is so good. It's just a lot of fun. You can see the nods to older games and it only serves to make the experience just that much richer. I don't know if it's the best game on the Nintendo DS… but it's certainly up there. 

 
Setting slime on fire and walking around with an big mallet-thingy are just two of the things you'll do in Orcs & Elves.

7. Command & Conquer 3 (Xbox 360, PC, Mac)
As a Command & Conquer fan, I should probably say that I'm biased. I love the Command & Conquer series. Always have. I wasn't someone who sat there as a Warcraft fan… I thought C&C ruled and there was no way of breaking me from that idea. 

And then Westwood brought out Tiberian Sun and I started to question Westwood. But then EA came and made things better with Red Alert 2. And then ruined it with Generals.

So I was a bit skeptical with Tiberium Wars, the third entry into the Command & Conquer timeline.

But lucky for me… it really is fun.

You can comment on the kitsch & camp videos 'till the cows come home infested by blue tiberium and mutating into something not even a commando would go near. You can do all of that and it's still fun. With roles by Cylons Grace Park & Tricia Helfer, Lando Calrissian's alternate identity Billy Dee Williams, the guy from Starship Troopers with the iron hand who usually goes by the name of Michael Ironside, some guy from Lost named Josh Holloway, and even that doctor Dr. House wants to shag, actress Jennifer Morrison.

The colours are bright and the battles are fierce in Command & Conquer 3.

Oh and there's Kane. Joseph Kucan returns as the bald leader who will have you shouting "Kane Lives!" up to the point where you see the crappy ending for NOD at which point you go "wait… wha–?!"

Okay, so the endings are your typical C&C weakness. Only the first one really had good endings.

Kane's back…

…and we've got Lando Calrissian and that guy with the metal fist from Starship Troopers to stop him! And err… you, of course.

But using a better version of the General engine with brighter colours and a more C&C-like interface, Tiberium Wars shines.

Unfortunately, the soundtrack is weaker without the series' use of Frank Klepacki and some of the sides needed some balancing early on, things that patches seemed to have cured. 

Regardless, Command & Conquer 3 is loads of fun. Hell, I usually play a skirmish game after work every few days. 

Like blowing stuff up? So do I!

6. Mass Effect (Xbox 360)
Bioware have been known for some of the more interesting games with "choice systems" in them. Games like Star Wars: Knights Of The Old Republic allowed you to become a character in the Star Wars universe and based on your actions and reactions to situations, your character would become good or bad. This in turn set in motion different paths your character would take creating, in essence, a different game story each time you played (provided you changed your attitude).

Well now Bioware are back with a game based off of their own IP, Mass Effect. Set in a space frontier where humans are really fighting for equality, you'll take on the role of a character named Shepard, someone who can either be male or female and who can take on the appearance of whatever the hell you desire (that the system allows). This means you can make some pretty men & women as well as some pretty ugly men & women. Finally, a game that lets me make the hero as ugly as I am! Woohoo!

Characters look nice & realistic in Mass Effect. So real that you wouldn't mind touching them.

You'll then set off in a universe where a series of events are about to unfold that will ultimately leave you in charge of saving the universe… like so many other games. Really, Mass Effect is no different in regards to an ultimately linear story that you can play out in whatever way you want provided it still ends in a rather linear fashion. 

There's also a lot of dialog. A lot of dialog. An incredible amount of dialog. So much that you can't actually shut it up most of the time and if you find yourself stuck in a loop that the developers forgot to patch up, well tough luck: just endur
e it like the rest of us did.

The problem with Mass Effect is what makes it so incredible is how addictive it is. Once you get involved in the story, you simply won't want to stop playing. With side quests that change based on how good or bad you are as well as that "main mission" to adhere to, there's a lot to see in the game. I'm not entirely sure why Bioware needed to throw in a vehicle as badly designed as the Mako in, but you'll also end up blowing stuff up and running things over things that just won't die to go with all the shooting and back-stabbing you'll be doing in the first place. It's really not the combat that excels but how well-developed the story is. 

The enemies feel like a bit of a rip-off from Titan AE but it's still a lot of fun.

And with graphics and camera motions that make you feel like you're watching one of the best animated movies since Final Fantasy, the direction and story really make you feel involved. There's known and unknown voice actors that do brilliant jobs like Seth Green, Keith David, Marina Sirtis, Lance Henriksen and others, as well as some voice actors that do absolutely horrible jobs, but that only adds to the atmosphere of Mass Effect.

In the end, you're left with a game that really plays out like a feature-length movie and which has more replay value than most games would ever hope to achieve.  

Freeze bitch!

5. Halo 3 (Xbox 360)
What can you say about Halo 3 that probably hasn't been said a thousand times by so many other gaming publications?

It's more or less a legendary gaming franchise and Halo 3 concludes the Master Chief saga by perfecting the mold that made Halo and Halo 2 so popular to begin with. The controls have been tweaked again to provide better controls than they've ever been. The soundtrack too has been pumped up with a more symphonic take than Michael Salvatori did last time around. Yes, last time was very rock-y but this time you feel more like you're taking part in an epic movie with orchestral movements that feel beautifully composed at times. 

Why there was even some music I had to cut out when my brother had brought back footage for me to edit for our early video review. I cut it out and stuck it on my mp3 player and just listened to it on loop. It was wonderful. Still is.

The graphics don't feel like they've changed a lot, but you don't care because Bungie seem to have cleaned up the textures and given everything a really nice shine. As a result, Halo 3 cleans up nicely and looks spectacular.

In case the front cover of the box wasn't sign enough, Master Chief is back…

And while a lot of people might not care for the simplistic story, you can bet that the game is fun. It doesn't burden you with choice, with logic, with a sense of morality that can plague other titles. It offers you a first person shoot-em-up experience where you get to blow up the goofy & freaky looking bad guys while being engaged in some sort of story that doesn't suck. 

Then there's the multiplayer… which people are still playing. While I personally think that Forge is little more than Half-Life 2's Garry's Mod for Halo, it is still a welcome addition as is the brilliant theatre mode which has made all those kids who dream of making Machinima with Red Vs. Blue suddenly erect and… well… very happy… yeah.

All up, Halo 3 is a great game. 

Aggh!!! Falling ships! Armegeddon is her– oh wait. It's only Forge. Carry on everyone…

4. Colin McRae DiRT (Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, PC)
Colin McRae DiRT beats out games like FORZA 2 and PGR 4 because of one thing that really sets it apart from the competition: it's rip roaring fun without any bullshit.

You don't have to stuff around with tunings or pick through an exhaustive list of hyper-advanced cars that only Jeremy Clarkson wannabe's start salivating over digital translations of; you just loaded up one of the many rally events and played through a truly excellent game. Because that's what DiRT is: a truly excellent game. 

I actually don't have a problem with the tuning man FORZA and model crazy Project Gotham. I think they're both fine games. But they're not DiRT. They don't have the sheer lunacy that DiRT has nor do they push out the level of earth crunching fun that you get from racing over some of the dustier tracks on the planet. With leaves, snapping twigs, and doors that can fly off if you hit them hard enough, you really get the sense that the sun is beating down on you as you race through the events in Colin McRae DiRT.

 
On the road again… very dusty, I'm on the road again… almost crashing on the road again I've just driven off the road again…

Whether you choose a standard rally racer, a 4×4 monster or even a big rig, you know that there something for any day and you can see that the team behind it really went to great lengths to put as much as they could in. Hell, even the loading screens are cool with your statistics displayed in a sleek rotating text feel similar to that of the great menu system that DiRT adopted.

It's hard to dance around how good DiRT is. I'll try is another way.

DiRT is one of those stand-out racing games that lives on in the minds of those who love racing games much like the original Daytona USA and Sega Rally Arcade games did. Good luck finding anything else like it.

Drifting is so much fun in DiRT.

3. Super Mario Galaxy (Nintendo Wii)
Super Mario Galaxy could probably be best described as a stand-out in video game design.

In a year that brought us loads of Wii games — many of which were crap — it's always nice to see something that truly stands out and is a breathe of fresh air in an otherwise stale pack.

Super Mario Galaxy does just that by providing a trippy 3D style that merges brilliantly with some of the best thought out Wii controls to date.

Usually, it's the controls that people aren't getting right with the Wii. And that's really the problem with the Wii, because while the accelerometer based controls should theoretically make games more interactive & more interesting, most developers seem to struggle with what they can make their games do. 

But not Nintendo. The people who developed the Wii know exactly how to
get the best from their console and Super Mario Galaxy is no exception.

It is brilliant.

Hey! It's-a-me! Mario!!!

Some people might not like how kid friendly Mario Galaxy is and sure, the story is pretty simplistic and would appeal to anyone 6 or older.

But to those of you refusing to play Super Mario Galaxy because of its younger sort of feel do yourselves a favour and heed my words:
remove that coat-hanger that points out so sharply from your rectum and place it somewhere that won't bother you so you can feel what it's like to be a kid again.

Super Mario Galaxy is fun, colourful, insane, interesting, and on the whole a very special game that no Wii owner should be without. 

2. The Orange Box (Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, PC)
You have to give credit to Valve: they really know how to make a great package.

The Orange Box probably represents the best value game… ever.

With Half-Life 2, Episode 1, and Episode 2, you already have a great deal. The Half-Life series proves itself time and time again and bundling the original games for people who have never played them is a good way to let them see the new part, Episode 2, for all its value.

Then Valve decided to throw in the long-awaited Team Fortress 2, a game that started really as a modification for Quake and has been sitting more or less as a stagnant reminder that Valve can be like 3D Realms in getting projects done as this title has been on their webpage for… well, forever. It's not as bad as Duke Nukem Forever… by the time that comes out, geeks will have moved on and have found sex with doormats as a viable alternative to kicking ass and chewing bubblegum.

 
Go d0g, go!!!

Back onto The Orange Box:
The final game that Valve packaged would be one of the best titles of the year if it wasn't packaged with The Orange Box in the first place: Portal.

For those that don't know, Portal is a first-person shooter intertwined with a puzzle game that combined an interesting interpretation of physics, comedy, and what I'm sure is some level of quantum mechanics I'll never understand. Really, it's just a brilliant title and there's no going around how something like Portal might just change the landscape of games forever.

Agggh!!! Too many holes! Which do I choose?! (Geeze, I never thought I'd have to say that.)

Seriously, The Orange Box has something for everybody.

And really, is there any better gaming deal around?!  

That hat just makes looking for campers so much easier.

1. Call of Duty 4 (Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, PC)
I'm not the sort of person that normally likes first-perosn shooters, especially ones with an emphasis on tactical… err… tactics. In fact, I've never really enjoy the genre much with the exception of the Half-Life series and lately the Halo series. But when Call of Duty 4 came in and I read "Modern Warfare" on the cover, I was instantly interested. And when you play it, you realise one thing:

Call of Duty 4 is a gem.

There. I've said it.

It's hard to pull yourself away from its excellent story which is told by means of a direction that is nothing short of brilliant. It's a fast paced energetic blow-by-blow drama that rivals anything that Jerry Bruckheimer tries to pull out of his productions and even gives that fun that Matthew Reilly brings to his books a good run for its money. Set somewhere in an unstable region of the Middle East, a president of a nation has just been executed and you'll play as one of several people set to undo the damage that's just been done. You'll find yourself as a Marine and a member of the SAS as well as even going back in time and becoming a sniper on a mission in the radiated region of the world that is Chernobyl. Missions like this as well as many others serve to fill in the story brilliantly while providing you with a fast-paced tactical adventure unlike any you'll have seen in ages. The effect that you get out of Call of Duty 4 is nothing short of spectacular.

It's like watching a movie… only you're playing it.

Adding to this is the control system which is one of the best I've ever seen making even those people normally uncomfortable with FPS controls instantly happy and at ease. There are several configurations but the one it comes with serves as an excellent way to introduce you to the slick mechanics. Working with the tutorial in the beginning, you know you're about to find yourself in a world where you'll be in over your head but that doesn't matter provided your controls are as good as this. It's really nice to see a game too that doesn't ask you to remember a ridiculously stupid set of controls or memorise complicated procedures just to play. It is a truly intuitive control scheme.

Then there's the presentation which is amazing. Graphics are sharp, clear, and while not the same level of texture brilliance that games like Mass Effect have, still look amazing and at points incredibly realistic. Light falls like light and things around you fall and blow up just like you'd expect them to in a fast paced war-zone. The loading screens look like something out of a high budget war flick with wireframe animated models taking the screen right before a GPS is often about to locate you in real-time. It's all very quick and only serves to show you how much effort Infinity Ward put into this game. Sound is also top-notch with high quality voice actors and amazing weapons & explosions. It'd be hard to imagine a firefight not sounding like this game.

You can just hear that wall crumbling around you, can't you?

Multiplayer is an excellent addition and with the way it's built and a bit of time, you can really see this taking over Counter-Strike as one of the higher rating multiplayer tactical games of our time. You really can. 

Couple all of this with one of the best programmed autosave systems for all those inconvenient deaths you might suffer (and there probably will be a few) as well as some of the best video game direction that begins to rival the quality of many a motion picture and you start to realise why Call of Duty 4 is the best game of the year.

Simply put, this game is brilliant. I want more games this well made. 

I
am the terror that flaps in the night. I am Darkwing Duck– err… wait… no… wrong costume. Sorry boss.

Lots of interesting titles, lots of brilliant titles, and lots of… well… absolutely pointless titles that made me bash my head against walls for days on end while I contemplated just how moronic the reviews would sound.

And so coming up in the next few days, I will be presenting Leigh's Top Ten Games of 2007! 

But right now… I'm not.

You see I am a cock tease. Or a game cock tease. Or an Xbox controller tease. Perhaps I'm a Dual Shock Cock tease. Who knows.

Anyway, this post is for the games that noooo!!!– just missed out on taking a spot in the Top 10 list of 2007 for whatever reason. Maybe they were too repetitive… maybe they just weren't my cup of tea.

Either way, these are the games that just missed out.

Presenting…

THE EVER SO SLIGHTLY HONOURABLE MENTIONS OF 2007!!!

Not in any particular order…

 
What the hell are they actually singing?! Whatever it is, it's sure catchy…

Moero! Nekketsu Rhythm Damashii – Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan 2 (Nintendo DS)
The next game in the Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan! series missed out because it's only available in Japan and while EBA did come out in Australia this year (and I'm an Australian game reviewer), there is the problem that I played and beat that last year.

Truth be told, Ouendan 2 is much better than both the original Japanese and the Elite Beat Agents. It's still as fast paced, insane, and generally fun as the originals but Inis have cleared up many of the timing issues that plagued the previous entries in the series. Couple that with music that you're unlikely to have heard of if you live outside of Japan and you've got one of the most addictive games released this year.

I've been wondering… where does a Big Daddy piss from? Does he have some sort of steam pipe valve that he has to let loose or something…

Bioshock (Xbox 360, PC)
Bioshock has the displeasure of not making my list (sorry 2K Australia!) because of how bloody pointless I found it.

I loved the artwork. I loved the sound.

But Christ it was predictable. And the so-called "choice system" that I was told was going to be present in the game appeared to be little more than two choices that didn't really amount to anything more than piss-all and some beans. I actually got bored of figuring out what was happening next and moved onto the next game. The promises made in this game were intriguing to start with but then started to fall apart which really is just a shame.

I can see why a lot of people liked the game. Really I can… but those of you who think this was one of the best games of the year? You're kidding yourselves. Go play something better… like Orange Box or Call of Duty 4.

 
And to think, only yesterday I was a bartender making Cosmopolitans for people who carried handbags made out of horses like this!

Assassin's Creed (Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, PC)
I'd love to be able to put this game in my Top 10. I know that there are virtually no bad reviews for it and that tells me that every reviewer is thinking the same thing: Assassin's Creed is an excellent game.

But then you're probably wondering why I haven't included it in my Top 10.

Well, truth be told, I only just started playing it a few days ago and short of falling asleep through that really boring tutorial, I haven't found myself drawn in quite as much as I expected to. I can already see how well made the game is and I can see the concept being inspiration for loads of clones in the future. But there are two specific reasons why this isn't in my Top Ten:

1. I haven't had enough time with the title yet to make a firm decision. At the moment, I like the design and build but I'm finding it's just not drawing me in. I think I need to play it a bit longer and while that's all well and good, it still takes time to write, edit, and post a Top Ten online… and I'll be playing Assassin's Creed when I'm done with it.

And,

2. It just seems stupid. Seriously, if I'm in my own head with some sense of control over my memories and I can enter them as I please because the machine is helping me, why can't I get my brain to recall a character from The Terminator to just invade my dreams and blow all my enemies away. Or a court jester for me to laugh at. Geeze.

Oooh… I like a girl who can kick some ass… a lot of ass…

Heavenly Sword (PlayStation 3)
I should probably say that the PlayStation 3 wasn't exactly my favourite console this year. Somewhere between a lousy controller and a lackluster selection of games, the PS3 wasn't my favourite… well… anything this year.

But Heavenly Sword made me think twice about approaching that big hulking monolith of HD technology.

With an excellent script, brilliant visuals and sound, as well as some of the best acting ever to roundhouse kick its way into a video game, you could see that Heavenly Sword was made for people who loved the artistic side of video games.

It's then a shame that it was really little more than a simple button masher. And not just any simple button masher but one that had no problem making sure your wrists and hands were turned to mush as quickly as you started the game. You can really only play for about five to ten minutes before you feel the need to jump out of an airlock, and since airlocks haven't been invented yet, that's quite problematic.

 
You've got to love a game that lets you paint anime characters on your wings…

Ace Combat 6: Fires of Liberation (Xbox 360)
Ace Combat is one of those games you either love or you just hate. If you're a fan of the traditional flight combat sim, you're probably not going to be fond of the gameplay as it really adopts more of an arcade style experience. But there's probably something we can all agree on and that is it excels in the graphics department.

It really is a pretty game and the sounds are excellent too. Air traffic chatter goes on all around you and really creates the experience that you're stuck amidst a heated war battle.

It is a good game but it skimps out on the list because while it's quite fun, it never really pulls itself out from being more of the same. Gr
eat game if you like blowing stuff up which makes it a great stress reliever.

Perfect after a hard day of writing reviews for gadgets and games. 

For those about to rock… learn how to play an instrument instead!

Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock (Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, PlayStation 2, Nintendo Wii, PC, Mac)

I like rhythm games… I do. But I'm sure if you went and told most of the hardcore fanboys who play Guitar Hero that they were playing nothing more than Dance Dance Revolution with a guitar, they'd deny everything right before beating you silly with their Guitar Hero controller… which would then break into many pieces and Activision would get more money from the person who decided to buy yet another controller for this game.

Seriously. It's DDR for people who like Guitar. And I don't like it much.

I can accept that it's a well made game with a huge fan base and that musicians and non-musicians like it, but I just can't bring myself to finding it fun.

As an example, I tried the song "Monsters" by Matchbook Romance as that's something I actually like playing on my bass… and wow… I don't think I've ever been more bored. I tried a few other missions and sadly the game didn't really capture my attention.

I can see why others like it but it's not for me.

And someone needs to remove that "s" from "Legends of Rock". Yahtzee was right about it not really containing and "Legends of Rock" aside for one. I mean seriously… I know Jimi is dead but did you even bother to ask the boys out of AC/DC, Grateful Dead, Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin, or Eric Clapton whether they'd mind being a Legend of Rock since I'd say they have more place then a guy out of Rage. Don't get me wrong, I like Rage… but a Legend of Rock? What the–?

 
Batter up… here batter batter… swing batter batter… fish batter batter…

The Bigs (Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, PlayStation 2, Nintendo Wii)
I love The Bigs. I do. I must confess that because I suck immensely at baseball (due to never really playing it except for a few times at Woodrow Elementary in Modesto, California) and because no one in Australia really plays it, I find that it's very hard to get out your need for baseball while you live in Australia. I mean seriously, what's a guy to do?!

But The Bigs is special. It's one of those games that makes you work your ass off for a result and it's fun while doing so.

Okay, the pitching, running, and fielding controls completely suck. And it's really a niche game so that's obviously keeping it from the list… but yeah, what a game. 

I only hope 2K's next baseball game improves it and not makes it crappier… like some of 2K's more recent entries into their various franchises have managed to do.

I always knew the briefcase had something in it… but since there was a banana in the lock, I never tried opening it…

Hotel Dusk (Nintendo DS)
Created by the same team who pulled of the very creative Trace Memory, Hotel Dusk is a mystery that really required you to think.

Now this sort of "thinking" thing might be seen as a problem for many gamers. Who really plays games to think?

Well, if you did you were in for a treat. The presentation — a mixture of film noir, black & white comics, and 3D environment — works beautifully and you couldn't ask for a more interesting looking game.

It's just a shame that the difficulty of this game is so irritating. If you get stuck — and chances are you will — the game doesn't really do a lot to help you out. You can wander the hotel and your environment trying to find what you're supposed to do until well past how long you would have actually had in real time. I imagine that the developers probably had a hard time tweaking the difficulty level until it was just perfect and while I'm not sure if it's there yet, it is a game to look at if you're looking for a challenging and interesting story to play on your DS. 

Games I Didn't Actually Get To Play (So in turn didn't make the list)
Ratchet & Clank: Tools of Destruction (PlayStation 3)
The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass (Nintendo DS)
Rock Band (Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, PlayStation 2)
Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles (Nintendo Wii)
NiGHTS: Journey of Dreams (Nintendo Wii)
Unreal Tournament 3 (PlayStation 3, PC)
Tabula Rasa (PC)
Blacksite: Area 51 (Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, PC)
John Woo's Stranglehold (Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, PC)
Uncharted: Drake's Fortune (PlayStation 3)