Where do you find girls?

Being a guy doesn't come with a manual or an FAQ, something of which would come in really handy. There aren't any tip guides or counselors telling you which place to go to or what sites to visit if you'd like to moisten your rocket in thick screaming pleasure.

Short of the obvious answer – porn – there isn't a lot for a guy to do.

Oh sure, I could spend my time in a club painfully working up the courage to speak to the right girl, buying them drinks, and then having it end oh so terribly when she decides to go home with the guy who sat across from you the entire time making eyes for her and didn't have to pitch in a single cocktail.

Yes, that sort of shit happens.

So I just really want to know where I find girls.Dating Sites:
The few visitors I have to this site will know that with my crappy ass luck, I can be found on the many online dating sites. Let's look at the luck I've had thus far…

OkCupid
OkCupid is probably one of the better sites out there, but the intention of OkCupid is more aimed at taking randomly interesting tests, finding "love", and then friendship. There are people there looking for sex, but it seems to be more focused on friendship and relationships.

But the good part about OkCupid is this: it's free. Entirely and absolutely, no bull. So it doesn't matter if you don't find what you were after, at least you didn't have to shell out cash.

I have met a few people from OkCupid and while none of them really blossomed, a lot of that was my choice (and my inability to have a clue what to say to girls… mostly that one).

RedHotPie
You might as well change the name of RedHotPie to RedBotPie with how well this bloody site functions. I've been suckered in twice and probably spent around a hundred bucks and I have this sneaking suspicion that almost every part of this site is fake.

Allow me to explain.

RedHotPie works on the principle of being basically a paid-for community brothel. It's not the first and while another one I'll talk about towards the end is more or less the same, RedHotPie seems to have a different underlying nature to it.

While there are a lot of users that seem to be using it, it is the nature of these "users" which more or less has to bring the validity of RedHotPie into question.

Take for instance how people surf your profile: a normal way (and I'd venture a guess what most people probably do) would be to get a flirt from a person, check out their profile, and then respond. RedHotPie users very rarely check the profile of the user in question and immediately send a follow up. Excusing the fact that some people might not, if the reply to a flirt is favourable and requested for a conversation, this text-based conversation will often go by unanswered. Completely unanswered. Not a single response suggesting that you'd be wanted or needed or hated in anyway; just simply ignored.

It gets stranger.

I've just recently begun logging back onto RedHotPie's service to see if anything has changed. One thing I've noticed is that many of girls who messaged me several months ago have all moved to Newcastle. Just like that. Now unless Newcastle has become the hot location for single beautiful women who aim to have lots of random sex, this smells fishy to me, and not in the "you need a shower" sort of way.

I start looking for fish when I look at the "who viewed your profile" section, a listing of people you'd possibly want to message because maybe they liked how you looked on their searches. I particularly like the ones that say looked at my profile "this week" or "today" even though their profile tells me they haven't logged onto the site in "over a month".

That's nice, you know, because if they did happen to look at my profile, then the site is faulty, and since some users are apparently looking at my site and have been on today, something tells me the site is fine.

Everything about RedHotPie's online matchmaking service feels wrong.

At one point, I tried to operate my own dating site to see how easy it was. Turns out it's a cinch. All you need is a script and most of them will happily generate fake users to draw people in.

Now it could be that I'm odd enough to elicit no response from people and that I've wasted frustrating amounts of dollars on a site where no one wishes to engage in sexual gratification with me.

Or it could be that RedHotPie is really RedBotPie and happens to be a big load of steaming crap.

SinglesWhoClick
After my bullshit experience with RedHotPie, I thought I'd try something a little different.

I would suggest staying well away from this site. I don't even know why it exists other than to piss you off with lots of marketing and spam. No one seems to live here or use it and you just get a heap of emails almost every bloody day telling you to take surveys and rack up points or some shit.

Seriously, if you're a single who clicks, click the fuck away from this site.

RSVP
I've had some luck on RSVP with S finding me on that and me having a thing with her. That's nice. I'm happier now.

I have been trying to talk to other girls through it but so far I think my inability to make small talk over a digital means is stopping me from getting my groove on outside of the digital means.

I am trying though and at least some girls are responding, better than the other paid service I tried previously.

I'm now attempting AdultMatchMaker – another of the online sex-based communities -  if only to find people I can sort of gain experience and friendship with.

Abby Lee said it best in her book "Girl With A One Track Mind" when she said that men fall into three categories: The Fucker, The Pseudo-Partner, and The Lover (pg. 104-105). I'm not quite sure if I believe it's as simple as that for three… I think there's probably five or so but I can't really work out the other two. Regardless of it, I believe I'm part of The Lover group with the following bit applying to what I believe is me:

"They are not necessarily seeking sex just for the physical pleasure, but are open to all opportunities that cross their paths – even if that might mean ending up in a relationship with someone who was originally just a one-night stand.

"The sex they have is generous, fun, and laid-back; they interact with the woman as if she were a friend, enjoying her intellect as well as her body in bed."

Short of the whole path-crossing (because of how often people actually stop to do anything other than get irate at me), I believe that's me.

Bars:
As per the example mentioned in my opening paragraphs, this is really a mixed bag.

I know some people gain some success here, but I tend to fit in the category of "used and abused" as in "use me because I'm stupid enough to pay for drinks thinking I have a shot at even standing next to you&qu
ot; followed by "abuse my good nature by going home with some other dweeb you were always going to go home with but decided not to tell me".

That sort of action reeks of a girl being an asshole, but I assume this sort of rudeness happens on both sides of the fence so I'm not quite sure how to look at it.

One thing I have noticed about women leads me to believe that I'm eternally screwed and not in the way that I'd hope to be eternally screwed for:

Women tend to go for really good looking guys or hideously ugly guys. Those of us who have decent looks and are ordinary as far as looks go have no chance whatsoever for some apparent reason which neither sex fully understands.

Seriously, the last few times I've been to model parties, I've found that the hot models – who quite often are more intelligent than you'd expect or associate with the occupation "model" – are standing next to, hugging, kissing, fondling, doing things to, and attempting to go home with either really good looking guys or men who look like they've been beaten to within an inch of their life with a very heavy and particularly ugly shovel.

Strangely, there is a girl that's sleeping with me. And she's hot. S is remarkably beautiful with long black hair and lips to die for.

Perhaps there is a flaw in my logic and my rule is something like 80% true. That's still eighty-bloody-percent too much, though.

Brothels:
I have a friend who works as a secretary for a brothel. She's told me to come along and purchase a meeting where a girl will sleep with me for money.

I've had this argument many a time with her and I still believe that I won't be changing my mind any time soon because, quite frankly, I don't see the point of paying for sex.

In my mind it's hardly a business transaction.

I mean shit, you're paying for a girl by the hour basically, but what if you take longer than an hour? Is another guy who takes 15 minutes getting a better deal than you just because you've got a better stamina that you can't let go of?

And then there's the other issue I have with prepaid sex, a term that I doubt would be associated with it due to the nature of sex being nothing like prepaid phone providers (sex is much more reliable than say Optus or Telstra): sex is a mutual experience.

Only the assholes go in for sex for and come out as the only victor. It seems pointless to have an intimate experience and to not share the fun so paid sex makes me ask the following question: if I've paid you to fuck me and I'm eating you out and you're enjoying the experience, does that entitle me to a discount?

I must say, I'm very confused by it all.

Sadly, paying for sex isn't really "meeting a girl". Rather, it's paying for sex. Plain and simple.

If you were after sex and didn't want to pay, I suppose it would be really nice if there was just some room or hall that had emergency pussy in case you were drunk and wanted a shag.

Like most things for guys looking for options, no such luck I'm afraid.

I GOT LAID!!!

Yes. I know. I'm as surprised as you are. Especially those of you who wandered here by accident while attempting to find the International Community for the Relief Of Starvation and Suffering. You're all probably wondering why it's important that I tell people I got laid. Well… it isn't. Except it does make me quite happy!

…and now you probably want to know the details.

Well… it all started with…

…a phone call around midnight. I was just getting settled into bed, my hand already wrapped firmly around my dick because while my bed is all nice and comfy with the massively warm doona on the top, I still enjoy a bit of a self-shagging before bed since I'm not usually getting laid… and then I get a phone call from a girl I've been talking to on RSVP.

And the jist of the conversation is "How long will it take me to get from Bondi to Glebe, and could I bring some wine?"

The mathematics of this is:

Getting dressed: 5-7 mins
Packing a bit of clothing just in case + wine: 2 mins
Walking up to Bondi Rd + hailing a cab: 4 mins
Cab ride to Glebe when the cabbie has no idea where he's going: 10-15 mins

So by 12.30, I was at Sarah's place… bottle of 2005 Miramar Unwooded in my bag

Not that it did anything last time. I met a girl once and nothing resulted. 

Hell, we rarely speak at all and we didn't even have sex. Geeze.

I can talk to girls in real life but I can't seem to get any of them remotely interested in me for anything other than the words I have to say.

Or my Santa hat.

*sigh* 

I'm getting off topic and it's only the first paragraph. Sheesh.

Anyway, the predicament I find myself in concerns RedHotPie, the "dating" site I just started paying for because my chances with girls — real girls (as opposed to fake girls) — seems to be smaller than your chance of winning lottery. Shit, you oughta buy yourself a lottery ticket!

So I'm there and I'm sending girls messages and flirts and the messages are personal with messages about how gorgeous they are or how interesting they sound, but really, I know I'm probably fucking this up just as badly as I would in real life. The problem with the way I write is it's exactly the same as the way I speak. I speak the way I write and I write the way I speak. And in this case this is problematic because…

I have no fucking clue how to speak to girls.

Seriously, what did you expect?

Now it could be that the people might not be getting the messages. I mean RedHotPie has just gone through an upgrade from the ASP to the ASPX platform which has made it worse and I probably have Murphy's Law on my side (which is a bad thing) giving me as many bugs as it can muster.

Still, I can't help but think that my lack of responses has to do with my inability to speak to women. Girls. Females. 

Grills I can speak to. I speak their language. Take a slab of meat, heat it up, use a spatula to flip it. Sizzle sizzle sizzle. Grills I get.

Girls I don't. "Hi… err… I'm Leigh… excuse me while I migrate to the closest corner where I can pretend to know what's going on while I watch all the other guys get with you…"

So this is my plan. I have a subscription to a site that encourages "dating"… and by "dating" I mean "fucking" because really, RHP is little more than a community to get people fucking. And I'm all for that… provided I get fucked and not by the service.

So this is my plan. Really. I'm going to say it this time. I'm not going to go off on a tangent and follow my statements with random crap that– bugger. I've done it again. Rightio. Third time's a charm.

So this is my plan: I want you to leave comments for me with ideas for what I should say in these messages to get the girls interested in me.

That's it. That's my brilliant plan. I need your help.

And with my track record of comment pulling on this site, I might just be able to send a message with that edumacation in… oh… six months… if I'm lucky… and getting lucky is the very point of this whole thing.

One of these days I'll learn how to speak to girls. Until then, I'll just have to settle for grills.

Sizzle sizzle. Sizzle sizzle.